. A 



UNCLE DICK 



AN ORIGINAL AMERICAN COMEDY IN 



FOUR ACTS, 



BY 



ERNEST STOUT 

AUTHOR OF 

" MONSIEUR DuPONT," " PHILTJPPE SWEINFERT," " A WIN- 
TER FANTASIE," " MAD AMES FEMME DE 
CHAMBRE/' ETC., ETC. 



Entered according to the act of Congress, in the year 1890, in the 
office of the Librarian of Congress, Washington, D. C. 



All Rights Reserved. 



MEMPHIS, TENN.: 
E. Whitmore, Printer, 15 and 17 Union Street. 

1890. 



UNCLE DICK 



AN ORIGINAL AMERICAN COMEDY IN 



FOUR ACTS, 



BY 



ERNEST STOUT 

AUTHOR OF 

•' MONSIEUR DuPONT," " PHILLIPPE SWEINFERT," " A WIN- 
TER FANTASIE," " MADAMES FEMME DE 
CHAMBRB," ETC., ETC. 



Entered according to the act of Congress, in the year 1890, in th< 
office of the Librarian of Congress, Washington, D. C. 



Ale Rights Reserved. 



MEMPHIS, TENN.: 
E. Whitmore, Printer, 15 and 17 Union Street. 




V* 






r \ 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



I'xcle Dick" Wooldridge, .... 
Horace Brakhi.kv, practicing law and in love, 
BENJAMIN Todd, not practicing law but ditto, 
Adolphus Greene. Una's Cousin, . 

Mr. Dixkelspeil, a litigant 

JlNCKS, the bntler, 



Miss Una MArjoriE, a spinster, 
UNA MarjoriE, her niece, 
Alice, Dick's wife, 
Little Ethel, Dick's baby, 
Arabella Simpkins, maid. 



TIME -Present. 



PLACE -New York. 



ACT I. Miss Marjorie's Reception Room. The error of a name. 

ACT II. -Brakeley's Office. Two fees. Dinkelspeil's error. 

ACT III. Miss Marjorie's Parlors. Complication. Errors of 
identity. 

ACT [V. Miss Marjorie's Reception Rooms. Compound interest 
on fees. Errors corrected. 



UNCLE DICK. 



ACT I. 

SCENE. — Miss Marjories reception room, well furnished : Upright pi- 
ano, mirror, small table near front. Door right side ; portierres in 
rear center showing hat rack in hall. Maid (Bella) arranging flow- 
ers in vase on piano ; turns and walks forward on rise of curtain ; 
pauses with back to hall entrance ; begins talking when she turns. 

Bella. — More of them to-night! Well, that's cheerful. Let 
me see? {Cot/ nts on fingers). First it was — Tuesday night, 
Mr. Greene ; Wednesday night, Mr. Todd ; Thursday night, 
a chance for me and Jincks ; Friday night, Mr. Brakeley, Sat- 
urday night, mine again. Now it's Mr. Brakeley Monday, 
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday — Mr. 
Greene and Mr. Todd thrown in twice a week. Mr. Brakeley 
aint so bad, but he is frequent — I can stand him though — but 
Mr. Greene — Oh, Lord ! (Laughs). It's a good thing some 
people aint responsible for their making, and Mr. Todd — why j 
if he had half a chance he'd make love to me. {Jincks enters 
hall door it noticed with with wate? set on tray, tip-toes to table, sets 
it down and listens. Bella looks in mirror, arranges her hair, 
surveys her figure, and sighs.) Well! why not ? {meditatively). 
Humph ! The objection is all on my side. He's rather old 
and has n't got hair enough to part. He's calling on Miss Mar- 
jorie, but — humph ! {contemptuously) — who would hesitate be- 
tween an old maid like her and me ? {Leans meditatively against 
table). Did n't Claude Uclaire, the rich manufacturer in "An- 
gelina's Love," marry Angelina. The only real fault with Mr. 
Todd is — that mole. It's plum color; but if he were to say, 
like Claude, {clasps hands, looks up, love sick), " Miss Simpkins 
— Arabella, ah ! let me pronounce that beloved name! what is 
there about me to cause this cruel repulsion ?" Could I say, 
" Mr. Todd, it's that mole." * * * * * But there's 
Jincks!" {Sighs.) 

Jincks. - ( Who has been going through pantomime of surprise 
steps forward and confronts her). — a No ! Miss Simpkins — Ara- 
bella, {mimics her), here's Jincks ! Here y s Jincks ! (Boius. 
Bella first exhibits hysterical surprise, holds to table, recovers, turns 
up her nose disdainfully and struts out.) I never did like pudgy 
persons, {with great contempt), and him, bah ! If Miss Marjo- 
rie and that man don't have a wedding in this house soon there'll 
be — a — funeral. {Shakes fist, highly incensed. Bell. Exit in 
high dudgeon. Admits Mr, Greene, who hands him cane, hat and 
coat at hall door, walks to table, takes off gloves. Jincks stands in 
door muttering, "Miss Simpkins — Arabella:" shakes fist in the 



4 UNCLE DICK. 

air). Bah! Humph! (Mr. Greene discovers pantomime: sinks 
into chair in nervous surprise. Jincks makes hasty exit). 

Greene. — Heavens ! The man must be crazy— or drunk. 
(Stares around in alarm. Sighs). Ah, me ! Only well-balanced 
minds can stand the ordeals of this lite. Minds of— er — equi- 
librium. If nature had not blessed me with so — ah — ah even — 
ah — mind, cousin Una would have upset it long ago. 1 never 
saw so provoking a girl. (Jincks passes through room, very dig- 
nified, pauses at tabic by which Greene sits, takes case, stumbles, 
exit right door. Greene is alarmed at his close proximity and 
and the noise, watches him out of sight). That fellow is positively 
dangerous. * * * Cousin Una's strange preference for the 
society of that lawyer to mine will make me the same way, I 
dessay, if she shows it much longer. 

[Enter Miss Marjorie and Una.] 

Greene (Rising to greet them.) —Good evening, Una — Aunty! 
You — aw — look as beautiful as ever. 

Miss Marjorie — {Disdainfully) M-e-e. 

Greene. — No ! I meant Una — aw — that is — you're both — 

Miss Marjorie, {interrupting sharply). — Have some sense! 

Greene. — But Una is — I — aw — '11 leave it to Una. 

Una. — Nonsense, Dolphus. You trespass on cousinly liber- 
ty. (Walks to piano, takes flowe> s, fastens one on dress, one in 
hair. Aside). He sent me these. 

Miss Marjorie. — No, he don't ! Nobody has more right to 
compliment you than Adolphus. If Mr. Brakeley (contemptu- 
ously) went as far, I daresay he would not have found the ground 
posted. 

Una (Laughingly). — But Aunty you questioned his propriety 
yourself. 

Miss Marjorie (Staring at Greene, who sits down).- -Well, 
he needn't say it like a sick calf. (To Una superciliously). Mr. 
Brakeley will call to-night, I suppose — as usual. 

Una. — Now, Aunty, I beg of you — 

Miss Marjorie {Interrupting).— -Yes, I know — but lam op- 
posed to your sacrificing a brilliant prospect by refusing your 
cousin's money — I can't say that he brightens it — {looks at 
Greene, who is greatly discomfited), to marry a young beggar 
with no other fortune than a smattering of Brownstone. 

Greene (Conciliating and chuckling). — Blackstone, Aunty. 
(Miss Marjorie stares frigidly at him. He subsides into solemnity. 
Una laughs. Jincks announces Mr. Brakeley and Todd. Miss 
Marjorie relapses into all smiles, bows overly polite to Todd, who 
places hand on shirt front and bows very low in turn. Una goes 
forward eagerly and puts both hands in Brakeley' 's. Brakeley sa- 
lutes Miss Marjorie, who bows to him stiffly. Miss Marjorie and 
Todd goes to Sofa and becomes seated.) 

Brakeley. — I had a call out of town to-day, but feared I 



UNCL E DICK. 5 

could not get back in time to keep ray engagement, so I forego 
the call — to fill the paramount obligation. 

Una.— I am so glad. 

Brakeley. — A r e you really ? 

Una {Pouting, ignoring question). — The flowers you sent me 
were beautiful. 

Brakeley. — Not half as lovely as their wearer. 

Una. — You flatter Mr. Brakeley. They might be more cor- 
rectly compared with the sweetness of their giver's sophistries 
(he squeezes her hands) or the freshness of Cousin Adolphus. 

Greene {Looking up from a fit of abstraction into which he 
has fallen). — Eh! 1 beg pardon. {Pauses for reply). Una is 
engrossed uith Brakeley and does not reply). Did you speak to 
me? 

Una. — No, Cousin, of you; but you would not care to pro- 
voke repetition of a compliment. Merit is modest, you know. 
( Turns again to Brakeley, both move to piano, she sits down, fum- 
bles keys, he stands over her). 

Greene. — Y-a-s, but inquisitive. {Aside). Now, that girl 
is making fun of me. {Picks up album, looks at it weatily a mo- 
ment, puts it down, resumes abstraction. Miss Marjorie and Todd 
seated on sofa have been conversing meantime in dumb show) . 

Todd {Puts hand on head, simpers). — Really, now, the barber 
suggested pompadour. He's an artist of good taste, too; but I 
preferred it straight, you know, like er — er — everybody else. 
{Looks at Greene). That is, like nearly everybody else. 

Miss Marjorie — Your taste is as good as the barber's was 
bad. That gives you a classical appearance. 

Todd {Moves to opposite end of sofa, giggles, moves back). — 
Oh! {Changes countenance ; slaps pockets hard; pulls out small 
envelope, cigars, etc.; takes envelope), Ah! Here they are. {Ex- 
amines cigar, finds it broke. Aside). I'll give that to my waiter. 
{Aloud). Oh! ah! I happened by the theatre office on my 
way out and got a couple of opera tickets. Nicolini sings to- 
night. Wouldn't you like to hear him ? 

Miss Marjorie {After hesitation, during which she appears to 
overcome a scruple). — So thoughtful of you — I appreciate it — but 
you know {coyly) I am opposed to theatres. 

Todd {Aside). — I never knew she was squeamish on that 
subject. By George ! I didn't think, or I would never have 
told tier about that ballet girl. That's what did it ! * * * * * 
And it's Romeo and Juliet! {Aloud.) So am I — to most plays; 
but this is all music. Besides — I had an object — 

Marjorie {Aside). — I wonder if he means to-night ? {Aloud.) 
Er — ah ! what will be the character of this play, Mr. Todd ? 

Todd.— Oh! * * Well! Partly religious. 

Marjorie {Horrified). — Religious! 

Todd {Hesitatingly) . — That is — one scene is in a church. 



6 UNCLE DICK. 

Miss Marjorie {Greatly modified}. — It might have a moral, 
then ! Where is the other scene ? 

Todd (Hesitating again) - — Humph — near the church. 

Miss Marjorie {Brightening). — Ah ! Are they all ? 

Todd. — No — No — There's another. {Aside, lugubriously). 
In a grave-yard. 

Miss Marjorie. — Where is that ? 

Todd. — In a — a — (meditatively, aside), cemetery? no ! that's 
too funeral. (Aloud). Oh ! in the church-yard. 

Miss Marjorie. — That is not so bad. (Taps dell). To attend 
plays may be a transgression of the proprieties, Mr. Todd : 
but — (maid appears) Bella, my cloak I 

Todd (Aside). — We'll transgress together. (Aloud). So 
good of you. (Jmnps up). You will enjoy it. The music is 
fine ; especially the organ in the church. (Aside). I wonder if 
she will forgive that balcony scene ? 

Miss Marjorie (Rising to go out). — Y-e-e-s? Excuse me for 
a few moments. [Exit by right door.] 

Todd (Rising, to Brakeley). — Horace, wont you come along, 
my boy — you and Miss Una — I've got a box ? 

Brakeley. — No, thank you, not to-night. (Todd waits for 
Una s answer. Brakeley adds) : I answer two, you know. 
(Brakeley makes pantomime towards Greene, indicating that the in- 
vitation be extended to him ) 

Todd (Aside). — Rather rehearse without an audience. {Adds, 
to Greene, with a show of reluctance). Wont you join us, Mr. 
Greene ? 

Greene (Looking up from reverie). — No, t-h.a-n-k-s, I am 
highly entertained here. 

Todd (Aside). — Thank Heavens ! 

(Re-enter Miss Marjorie with opera cloak, lorgnette, etc., putting 
on gloves ; Bella follows ; stops when they approach Todd ; Miss 
Marjorie about to smile to him ; discovers Bella, changes counte- 
nance ; speaks sharply). 

Marjorie. — Get Mr. Todd's hat. (Turns to Todd smiling, 
he steps forward to assist buttoning gloves, she smiles). Thank 
you. 

Todd (Goes to hall hat rack where Bella stands waiting witJi 
coat, assists him on with it, holds put hat and cane while he puts on 
gloves. He takes them in one hand, smiles, chuckles her under the 
chin ; she courtesies. Miss Marjorie, who has been watching i 
clears her throat sharply ; their countenaces fall. Belta scampers 
off. Todd goes quickly to Miss Marjorie ; is obsequiously polite) . 
Ah, beg pardon! (Ushers her out. Exeuant both. Brakeley 
and Una take seats on sofa). 

Brakeley. — I fancy Todd's description of the opera wont 
tally with Aunty's expectations. 

Una (Laughing). — Hardlv ! But Mr. Todd's politeness con- 
dones everything in Aunty's eyes. 



UNCLE DICK. 7 

Brakeley. — Yes, now — but later ! {Both laugh. Aside). 
Fate, be merciful to Todd ! {Aloud). Did you get note this 
afternoon ? 

Una.— Your note ! Why, no ! I have not seen it. 

Brakeley. — Never! That's odd ! I posted it at noon, and 
it should have been delivered hours ago. It was in acceptance 
of your invitation to the masquerade. Described my costume — 
that was about all — 

Una. — (Interrupting, surprised). — A 1-1 ? 

Brakeley. — Now, — (suggestively), you know the balance — 
like all the others. [Meditates a moment). Oh ! yes ! An allu- 
sion to Aunty — but never mind that. (Pauses, moves 7iearer to 
Una). I hoped that Todd's invitation would be accepted. I 
wish Greene was in the bottom of the deep green sea. 

Una (Looking roguishly at him). — Trust me for a strategem. 
(Walks over to Greene, puts hands on his shoulder). — Cousin, 
would you get my music folio in the library. (Discovers lorg- 
nette on table). Aunty has forgotten her glasses. Never mind 
the music. Run take them to her; she'll miss them every so 
much. 

Greene. — (Rising ', takes glasses from Una, looks at Brakeley 
then at Una; hesitates a moment ; starts to sit down again. Im- 
patiently). — Ah ! — Umph ! — ah ! (Una prevents from sitting). 
Ah ! ah ! (grumbles) Sne can get another pair at the door. 

Una (Holds him, pouts pleadingly). — But not like these — 
take them. There's a good fellow ! (Pushes him to door He 
pauses and glares stupidly from her to Brakeley. Gestures impa- 
tiently, dashes out. Brakeley rises, advance to Una, takes her in hit 
arms from behind . She looks up backtuard. He kisses her.) 

Brakeley. — You little intriguante. I don't wonder that 
Cleopatra upset kingdoms. ' (Leads her to chair, stands behind 
and over her. Pauses). And you say that Aunty is serious in 
her objection to my suit. 

Una (Looks up ; he attempts to again kiss her, she eludes 
him by dodging). Yes! Horace — (Demurely), because you 
have no lortune. 

Brakeley (A little bitter). — So I thought. Aunty is like the 
balance of the world. With it money is the thermometer of a 
man's virtues. His probity, honor and merit are all measured 
by dollars. The length of his obituary is an exageration of nu- 
merals. Aunty is but a unit in a sordid legion. 

Una — Now— don't philosophise. You know, you pessismis- 
tic fellow, (in mock reproof) that I will love you none the less — 
never ! But — (ruefully) you don't know how determined Aunty 
can be. 

Brakeley (Aside). — And unpleasant when there's a suitor 
to frighten off. The old Temegrant ! If Todd doesn't develope 
the qualities of Pertrucio he'll wish he had died in his peaceful 
infancy. (Aloud). Oh! yes, I do ; but as long as your dear 



8 UNCLE DICK. 

heart holds a love for unworthy me — I shall strive to remove 
the obstacle which Aunty and the world hold insurmountable 
— Poverty. 

Una (In mock fright) — Oh ! don't say poverty! that sounds 
like a garret-room in winter — without a fire. 

Brakeley (Laughing). — Well! hardly as bad as that. But 
er — impecuneosity then, — anything — it's as hard by any name, 
when it stands between my dear girl and I. Think of it! — in 
Aunty's cold, practical way — what have I to make me a desira- 
ble catch ? A lawyer's diploma — a back office, and a small cli- 
entel. 

Una (Roguishly) — You forgot, sir, that you have property. 

Brakeley (Laughing contempteously) . — A cottage in Harlem 
that wont rent for enough to pay taxes. 

Una. — Couldn't we live in that, you covetous fellow ? 

Brakeley. — We could, Una, and be as happy as in a brown- 
stone front; but you are still a minor. * * * * * * There is 
only one alternative left us. 

Una (Eagerly). — What is that? 

Brakeley. — Elopement. 

Una. — Oh! (Rises, advances to him). Horace ! I am will- 
ing to brave anything for you — even that. (Lie embraces her). 

Brakeley. — My true little girl. (Stops; deliberates, then 
speaks impetiously). No ! I am not willing to place your name 
on the tongue of every gossipper — scandal-monger. Then, if 
Aunty took the matter into the courts they would decide in her 
favGr. If I were to take you from her, clandestinely, she 
would not hesitate at anything —even a habeas corpus. 

Una.— A What? 

Brakeley. — A writ to take possession of my beloved one's 
body — (lugubriously) dead or alive. 

Una (In great agitation) . — You — you would not let any one 
take my body ? 

Brakeley. — Ha! ha! that's only the technical term. (Takes 
her in his arms ; she hides her face on his shoulder. ) Of course I 
wouldn't ! They shouldn't get you from me, dear, with all the 
processes the courts could grind out — but there is another rea- 
son, Una — the cardinal one. 

Una (Sobbing, wiping her eyes). — What is that? 

Brakeley. — Our marriage would be annulled at Aunty's in- 
stigation. There could be no choice then but your return to 
her. 

Una (Still sobbing, vehe?nently *.) — I hate her ! (Changes tone, 
breaks down on Brakeley' 1 s shoulder again, ,) No — no — Aunty 
could not be so cruel. She has her- - foibles, Horace, but has 
been very — very — good to me and — poor Dick. 

Brakeley. — There ! there ! little one. (Aside.) I am glad 
she didn't get that note. (Aloud.) Never mind ! Aunty will 
come around all right some day. (To divert her mind.) But I 



UNCLE DICK. 9 

haven't seen Dick lately. How is he? I hope he is improv- 
ing. (Leads her over to sofa and sits down by her.) 

Enter Little Ethel — Dick's Baby — (Ft om right door.) 

(Runs over to Una, put hands to her face, kisses her. Courte- 
sies to Brakeley in demure childish prudery. Says : ''''Good eve- 
ning, Mr. Brakeley." Looks at Una, starts back i?i surprise, 
puts hands on her hips, surveys her critically.) 

Baby Ethel — Why ! Aunt Una ! What's the matter with 
your eyes ? ( Una essays to laugh ; Baby steps in front of Brake- 
ley, puts head to one side and says, wisely.) I know! You've 
been crying. 

Brakeley (To divert Baby's suspicion). — Come here! you 
rogue! where did you come from? (Takes her on his knee.) 
Aint you afraid to run around this big house by yourself? 

Baby Ethel (Toys with his watch chain.) — Oh! I aint by 
my lone self. Uncle Dick is with me. He's been making 
me the beautifullest dolls — jes' wait and I'll show you ? (Jumps 
down and runs out right door.) 

Brakeley. — I thought the little one was Dick's child ? 

Una. — She is — but it was his fancy, in a lucid interval, that 
we teach her to call him Uncle — to keep from her in after years 
the knowledge of her mother's disgrace. 

Brakeley (Aside). — Logical reasoning for a crazy man. 
{Aloud.) And that knowledge upset the poor fellow's mind ? 

Una. — Yes — he thinks of nothing else — talks of nothing ex- 
cept some puerile pleasure he takes in his baby's play. 

[Enter Dick and Baby Ethel.] 

(He is led by little o?ie, by one hand, holds in the other a string of 
paper dolls and a pair of scissors. ) 

Dick (Chuckling.) — Yes — yes — lace caps — every one of 
them shall have lace caps. 

Baby Ethel (Nudging him.)— Say " Good evening," Uncle 
Dick ! There's company! 

Dick (Speaking at space.) — Good evening ! (Mutters.) Com- 
pany — all of 'em — lace caps. (Stands i?i dazed way, looking at 
dolls. Baby runs to Una. Brakeley rises, advances to Dick, 
slaps him on back. Dick starts*) 

Brakeley. — Dick ! Old fellow 1 How are you ? (Shakes 
his hand.) Don't you know me ? 

Dick (Vacantly.) — Oh! yes! I know you. (Ln subdued voice.) 
Lace caps — all — (Looking up at Brakeley.) Oh, yes. I know— 
I know you. (Brakeley takes him to seat near Una.) 

Baby Ethel (To Dick.) — Cut me some more— cut me some 
more ! (Pushes his hands together. Dick cuts dolls. Una rises, 
shoius him some sign of affection and pity. Dick holds up string of 
dolls.) 

Dick. — Beautiful ! Aint they ? 



10 UNCLE DICK. 

Una (Carressing him.') — Yes, Dick; dear old Dick. (Dick 
looks at her surprised.) 

Dick (Brightly.) — They have lace caps — see — beautiful — 
aint they ? 

Baby Ethel {Interrupting?) — Oh ! they must have bonnets, 
Uncle Dick. (Holds up one with short dress and ridiculously big 
feet.) Whoever heard of lace caps and street dresses. 

Dick (In weak resistance.) — N-o-o, caps. 

Baby Ethel (Stamping foot '.) — Bonnets ! I say ! Make 'em 
bonnets — sir — or I'll put you in the closet ! 

Dick {In great alarm, humbly.) — All right — all right — 
(Pauses while he cuts one.) Bonnets — we'll make 'em bonnets. 
(Holds up one with bonnet.) Like that? 

Baby Ethel (Condescendingly.) — Oh! that'll do! You 
naughty old boy ! 

Brakeley ( Who has bee?i talking to Una in dumb show. 
Aloud). — And he will tell the story ? 

Una. — As much as we ever heard. 

Brakeley. — Does he ever speak of the woman who deserted 
him and her child, and ruined his existence ? 

Una. — Yes! with ceaseless repetition. The mention of her 
name will call it up at any time. When he was first brought 
home he rambled incoherently about her and the man who was 
guilty with her. He was an old lover. After the baby was 
born he renewed his suit. She was an infamous woman. -They 
disappeared from the hotel on the same night. She left a note 
imploring Dick's forgiveness — praying him to regard the child 
with no less love because of the perfidy of its mother. He was 
found senseless and prostrate with the avowal of her guilt 
crushed between his clenched fingers. ******** for 
weeks he lay in a fevered delirium, broken only by a moaning 
repetition of her name. That was five years ago, and although 
time has blunted the poignancy of his grief, it has never 
lifted the veil whicn obscured his reason from that night. Baby 
is very like her mother, but so bright and lovable that it seems 
impossible she could have been the heartless woman she was. 

Brakeley. — The note expressed a sentiment utterly anomo- 
lous to a nature which could hold so lightly a mother's love. 
What was the woman's name? 

Una. — Alice — that is all of it we have learned. 

Dick (Starting on mention of ?iame ; drops scissors and dolls, 
heedless of Baby. Speaks quickly to Brakeley.) — Alice — did you 
know Alice ? (Stares around as if expecting an intrusion ; 
looks helpless ; lowers voice sadly ; bows head.) No — you do 
not know her. I know! I can see it in your face. You do 
not know her. (Then eagerly.) Where is she ?) (Stares around 
again.) She is not here — not here. (Puts arms about Baby 
who nestles up to him.) She is dead — dead ! Alice is dead ! 
(Drops head in moody dejection.) Time was when see was always 



UNCLEDICK. 11 

with me. Her beloved presence — loving eyes — brightened the 
world. That is past — past. (Adds brightly.*) But it will come 
again. I know ! I know ! I see her often — I see her. Oh, 
Alice ! Alice . * * * Her eyes seem to implore — (Stops short, 
thinks, mutters') Implore? Implore? (Then bitterly, pushing 
Baby from him.) No! No! I never want to see her again. 
(Looks at Baby ; reaches out to her ; she goes to him.) Oh, Alice ! 
Alice! Alice! (Breaks down ; buries face on Baby's shoulder. 
Una walks ovet to him, places arm about him.) 

Baby Ethel (Half petulantly.) — Uncle Dick, you've spoilt 
that one. Make some more ! 

Dick (Looking up brightly .) — Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Some more— 
with caps — no — bonnets — (Pauses, puts hand to forehead, says 
slowly and deliberately ) She wore bonnets.) (Brightens again ; 
takes up scissors.) All right — all right — We'll give them a-l-l 
bonnets — all of them. 

Una (Caressing Dick again ) — Come, Dick ! (He looks sur- 
prised ; gets tip ; she leads him to right door. Baby Ethel follows. 
Dick pauses half way ; puts hand to his forehead; notices scissors.) 

Dick. — Oh, yes! oh, yes! they shall all have bonnets. [Exit.'] 

Baby Ethel ( When Una returns?) — Aunt Una! What were 
you crying about? (Brakeley catches her ; puts hand over her 
mouth ; takes her on his knee ; laughs.) 

Brakeley. — Now — Aunt — Una was rit crying. You 
must n't tell stories on Aunt Una. If you do — I wont bring 
you any more bon-bons. 

Baby Ethel (Derisively, roguishly. — A-h ! b-a-a h ! 

Brakeley — No stories now ! Mind ? 

Baby Ethel (Shaking finger.) — Oh ! /wont tell. 

Una (To Baby.) — Run along now and take good care of 
Uncle Dick. 

Baby Ethel (In deepest voice, defiantly.) — I will! Nobody 
shan't hurt Uncle Dick, while I'm around. (Runs out of door 
to join him. Puts head back an instant later says in loud tone?) 
Bring me some bon-bons — to morrow night! I wont tell ! (Dis' 
appears as Brakeley makes motion as if to catch her.) 

[Bell— Enter Todd, Miss Marjorie and Greene.] 

(Greene walks to table, puts hat down by a work basket on it; takes 
off gloves and coat, sits down, falling into former apathetic state. Todd 
and Miss Marjorie together, he is. very attentive. Todd removes coat,gloves, 
hat, takes them to hall rack ; comes back to where she stands ; removes 
gloves; talking meanwhile.) 

Todd. — Beautiful — magnificent. I never heard a better 
tenor — Romeo's I mean. 

Miss Marjorie. — Yes, it was nice — All but those costumes. 
(Prudishly.) I can't believe that such garbs were every worn 
by people in their senses. 

Todd (Aside.) — They were a little abreviated. I wonder 
what she would have thought of that ballet girl. The masque- 



12 UNCLE DICK. 

rade to-morrow night will paralyze her. {Assists her off with 
cloak.') Ah ! yes ! umph ! 

Brakeley. — How did you enjoy the opera ? 

Todd {heartily.) — Delightful, my boy, delightful. {Unbut- 
tons Miss Marjorie'' s gloves and she smiles in acknowledgment?) 

Miss Marjorie {Resumes acrid expression to answer Brakeley. 
Stiffly.) — Very well ! Thank you. 

Una {To Greene?) — Did you enjoy it, Cousin ? 

Greene {Shortly. ) — N-a-w! The beastly music bored me. 
{Sighs.) I will never feel a melody in my soul again until — 
until — {To Miss Marjorie, who holds cloak on her arm ; offers to 
remove it.) Ah — permit me ! 

Miss Marjorie {Glaring at Una.) No ! (Sweeps it out of his 
reach.) You have quite enough to bear without troubling your- 
self about me. 

Greene {Sitting down.) — Y-a-w-s; business routine is trying 
on a fellow's constitution. 

Miss Marjorie {Sourly.) — Humph! I don't mean that — 
fool! 

Greene {Stammering), — Eh — aw — 'pon my word — you're 
complimentary, Aunty. 

Miss Marjorie {Sharply.) — I'm truthful! { Walks in front of 
him to table ; fingers with card case. He draws up his feet in 
alatm ; turns to watch her. She stops at table, glares at him. 
He looks away ; drops back into apathetic study.) 

Miss Marjorie (Contemptuously .) — Silence may be golden ; 
but it don't always indicate brains. (Greene starts. Todd looks at 
Miss Marjofie in surprise. She assorts cards in receiver. 

Todd {To divert Greene.) — Ah — you say you don't like 
music, Mr. Greene? 

Greene {Gruffly.) — N-a-w! 

Todd {Aside.) — The uncivil nincompoop. {Aloud, sarcasti- 
cally.) Do you know, Mr. Greene, what Shakespeare says of 
the man who has {imitates) no — aw — melody in his soul ? 

Greene, — N-a-w. (Todd looks around at ladies ; about to 
speak.) 

Miss Marjorie {Interrupting sharply.) — That, " He is an 
ass ! " ( General consternation. ) 

Todd {Aside.) — I wonder where she found that quotation ? 

Miss Marjorie. — That may not be what Shakespeare says , 
but I say it. It is applicable in the present case. {Greene fid- 
gets uneasily ; looks towards hat.) 

Miss Marjorie (Fumbling in cards ; finds letter; holds up ; 
reads.) — " Miss Una Marjorie.'' How came that here? The 
hand writing is strange. {Touches bell.) 

[Enter Jincks.] 

(Approaches Miss Marjorie very respectfully. She eyes him se- 
verely. Bella appears behind portierres in hall.) 



UNCLE DICK. 13 

Miss Marjorie {Austerely.') — Jincks ! (Jincks bows.") When 
Mr. Todd calls in company with any one else announce his 
name always first. Not as you did this evening — last. * * * 
How came you to everiook delivery of this letter? 

Jincks (bowing.) — I beg pardon, ma'am, but I carried it to 
you when it came this afternoon ; you left it on the card receiver. 

Miss Marjorie. — Has it lain there all the time ? (Jincks 
bows, she glares at him, tears open note; teads ; displays agitation 
and anger ; says, sternly.) Jincks, who brought this letter? 

Jincks (Bowing.) — The Postman ma'am. 

Miss Marjorie {Reads aloud i angrily.) — " Dearest Una: I 
will call this evening after supper. I am afraid 'Aunty' begins 
to object to the frequency of my visits. She glared at me the 
other evening as sourly as a vinegar cruet possessed of eyes. 
You remember Irving's legend of the ' Three Princesses ?' 
Well ! 'Aunty' is as acrid as the Duenna who guarded them — 
if not as old. I got your invitation to the masquerade and will 
attend in a disguise that will deceive even the eyes of the 
glum old girl (clutches air ; gteat rage) — a Turkish Sheik. Un- 
til to-night, good-bye." ''Your Darling." 

Brakeley (Aside.) — Heavens ! She's got my note. 

Miss Marjorie (In hysteric rage.)— Glum old girl! Duen- 
na! me! me!! Jincks! Jincks! (Jincks , Una and Brakeley 
gather about her.) Jincks ! Whose hand writing is that ! (Reads 
superscription again.) It aint for me. It's for Una. 

Jincks (Looks at envelope. — I don't know ma'am. (Greene 
looks at it from a distance, draivs away towatd table in alarm.) 

Miss Marjorie (To Una.) — This is yours, Miss! (Una 
reaches for it, Miss Marjorie draws it out of reach ; adds angrily.) 
Who — is — your Darling ? 

Jincks (Interrupting ; looks at writing again.) — I wont be 
sure ; but that hand writing looks like — like — 

Miss Marjorie (Shrieking.)— W-h-o-s e ! 

Jincks. — Mr. Greene's ! 

{Greene start*, makes attempt to get hat, gets work basket by mistake. 
Miss Marjorie flies toward him in a rage; he puts basket on his head, 
spiVs thimbles, spools, etc., on floor ; throws it down ; dashes out followed 
by Miss Marjorie, who seizes book from table to strike him.) 

[curtain.] 



ACT II. 

SCENE. — Brakeley' s office; modestly J urnished. Dick seated at table 
writing. Enter Brakeley, greets Dick, walks to another desk, fum- 
bles with papers; asks about Dick's " Brief " (a voluminous and 
worn manuscript on which Dick is working ;) remarks, aside ; ap- 
proves patronizingly aloud ; returns it ; sits down ; is seated when 
Dinkelspeil enters. 

Brakeley (Taking off gloves.) — Morning, Dick. 

Dick ( With great dignity.) — Good morning ! 



14 UNCLEDICK. 

Brakeley. — Has there been any one here — Dick — inquir- 
ing for me? 

Dick (Turning in chair ; places finger against forehead, 
deliberates a moment, then speaks slowly.) — Nobody that / know 
of — If there had been anybody I would have known — 

Brakeley {Interrupting.) — So you would! Dick! So you 
would ! But when we are writing a Brief — we are liable to for- 
get — you know. Now, be sure, Dick — are there any cards — 
was Mr. Dinkelspeil — short man — big nose — was here yester- 
day — you know — wasn't he here ? 

Dick (Meditating again.) — No! * * * No! He wasn't here. 
{Then quickly^) I've got him in the brief though. 

Brakeley. — Did Mr. Todd — comes out home — you know — 
Miss Marjorie's — did he call ? 

Dick {Again meditating ; speaking very slowly.) — No — let 
me see. * * * He wasn't here. He's in the brief — too. 

Brakeley. — Now, be sure — Dick — Was there a lady — a 
nice looking lady — with a veil over her face — be sure Dick — 
was she here ? 

Dick (Thinking as before.) — With a veil? No! She wasn't 
here. 

Brakeley {In surpsise.) — Why ! Business has been dull 
then — hasn't it, Dick ? 

Dick. — No I * * * It might have been — but /was busy — 
{looks affectionately at brief) I didn't notice. 

Brakeley. — That's so, Dick. And how is the brief this 
morning, Dick ? 

Dick (Brightly.) — Fine ! fine ! I'm getting along fine ! I am 
over to where Columbus landed. 

Brakeley {Takes manuscript, turns it over: laughs good na~ 
turedly.) — Yes ; that's doing splendidly. (Laughs again.) But 
Columbus didn't land at Castle Garden Dick. 

Dick {Greatly surprised.) — No? Didn't he? I thought he 
did. 

Brakeley. — No ! Everybody else does — but he didn't — 
that'll do, though, Dick — Historians can't always be correct — 
you know — and nobody but you and I will know {hands man- 
uscript back) and wc ain't going to tell em, are we ? 

Dick {Makes gesture, deprecating the idea. Lays out the man- 
uscript before him and studies it.) 

Brakeley (Listening.) — Somebody's coming, Dick. We 
must put on office manners, you know, when customers come. 
{Dick nods ; begins driving away on brief : Brakeley goes over to 
desk, sits down and writes .) 

[Enter Dinkelspeil.] 

{Brakeley and Dick appear very busy ; neither look up.) 
Dinkelspeil (Putting finger on side of nose ; looking around 



UNCLE DICK. 15 

knowingly.) A.lvays beesy, Meester Brageley — Id's a fine thing to 
haf a goot beesiness. 

{Dick increases speed.) 

— Brakeley {Looking up.) — Ah — Good morning, Mr. Dink- 
elspeil. Have a seat ? (Bends over to finish a sentence, then at- 
tends Dinkelspeil.) 

D inkelspeil (Drawing up chair, sitting down.) — I haf der 
papers — Meester Brageley — I got der papers. (Shows pack- 
age of papers ; unties them.) 

Brakeley. — I congratulate you on your good fortune. 

Dinkelspeil. — Id all gomes of hafing a fine lawyer, Mees- 
ter Brageley. (Clasps his hands; speaks with sycophantic flat- 
tery.) Vat beaudiful sbeeches you made. I wish I could speak 
like dot. Dose beaud — 

Brakeley (Embarrassed ; interrupting.) — A mere nothing, 
Mr. Dinkelspeil. I did my best and won your suit. 

Dinkelspeil. — Yah ! bud vat beautiful sbeeches. 

Brakeley. — Oh! come now! * * * * Did you fix up the 
other little matter ? 

Dinkelspeil. — Aboud der fee ? {lugubriously .) Dot is vat 
bodders me — Meester Brageley — after all does beautiful 
sbeeches — I gant bay der fee. {Brakeley wheels chair around 
surprised and angry. Dinkelspeil gestures deprecalingly.) Dond 
ged mad ? Meester Brageley ; dond ged mad ? — ah ! (clasps 
hands — again looks up) vat beaudiful sbeeches — Bud I gand 
helb it Meester Brageley — It vas my bad lugk — I gand helb 
it — I gand helb it ! 

Brakeley {Angrily.) — Why didn't you tell me this before? 

Dinkelspeil. — I dond know id — Meester Brageley — I 
dond know id. I vas a squvare man — dough — I vand always 
to do der squvare ding. Dake dose lands — gif me dot leetle 
deeference, und I bay you like a squvare man. 

Brakeley (Impatiently.) — Hang the lands ! I told you I had 
no money ! I can't pay the difference — you can borrow enough 
on them to pay for my services. 

Dinkelspeil (Conciliatingly.) — Yah! Yah! Meester Brage- 
ley — but dose money lenders vant such robbers inderesds. 
How ish a poor man, like me, to bay dose inderesds. Dake 
der lands — gif me segurity — gif me segurity. 

Brakeley (Hesitatingly.) — I've got nothing to secure you 
but a Harlem cottage — 

Dinkelspeil (Interrupting.) — Dot vill do — dot vill do, 
Meester Brageley. I hade to bart mit dose lands — dey're vort 
big money some day — but gif me dot — I vas a squvare man, 
und wand to do der square ting — gif me segurity on der house. 

Brakeley (To Dick.) — What do you think, Dick, shall I 
take it? 

Dick {Solemnly.) — Yes! yes! We'll put it in the brief. 



16 UNCLE DICK. 

Brakeley (To Dinkelspeil.) — Well, I'll think about it and 
let you know. 

Dinkelspeil {Aloud. Prete?iding to consider.) — Dose beaud- 
iful lands — But I vas a squvare man— {Aside.) If he dond 
dake id vhile he vas in der notion— he might find oud aboud 
dose overflows. " Never led loose der bull when you haf him by 
der horns." {Aloud, sighing.) Vy gouldn'l I ged dod money ? 

Brakeley. — I'd rather you would — 

Dinkelspeil (Interrupting.)— -Yah ! Bud id's yours— id's 
yours — I vas a square man, Mr. Brageley — und id's yours — 
{Sits down at Brakeley' 's desk; writes a few moments actoss the 
back of the document he has. Pauses.) Haf you got a node. 

Brakeley {Considering.) — I don't know yet whether 

Well, all right — {Hands Dinkelspeil a note ; he makes it out, gets 
up , lays it on the table ; hands Brakeley deeeds.) 

Dinkelspeil. — Here ish der deed. Meester Brageley. Yust 
sign dot. {Motions to note. Brakeley puts deed in his pocket, sits 
down?) 

Brakeley {Reads note ; jumps up indignantly .) — What's this \ 
Twelve per cent, interest ! No, sir ! {throws down the note) I 
wont sign that ! 

Dinkelspeil {Apologetically , catching him by the coat lapels.) — 
My dear Meester Brageley — dond get excited — Did I make 
id dwelve — I mean'd ten — only ten — {takes pen and corrects 
it) Meester Brageley. 

Brakeley. — I'll not pay that, either. 

Dinkelspeil ( Whining.) — I vas a poor man, Meester Brage- 
ley — I vas a poor man. 

Brakeley (Hesitating as if about to back out of bargain.) — I 
don't want — 

Dinkelspeil {Interrupting, eagerly.) — Eighd ! eighd ! I vill 
mage id eighd ! 

Brakeley. — No! Six, or nothing. 

Dinkelspeil {Expostulating.) — Bud — my d-e-a r Meester 
Brageley — (BraTteley takes out deed to return it : Dinkelspeil 
pushes it away ; speaks quickly.) I forgod ! Dose beau-d-i-ful 
sbeeches. Six — all righd — I vill mage id six. {Conects and 
hands note to Brakeley. Sadly.) You vas hard on a boor man, 
Meester Brageley. {Brakeley make gesture of deprecation. Dink- 
elspeil continues, quickly.) Bud I mage id six. 

Brakeley {Sits down to sign ; writes initials of his name ; 
looks out of window ; exclaims.) Una ! Dick ! Una is coming ! ! 
{Jumps up, runs out. Dick goes to door, Dinkelspeil looks at 
note ; lays it down ; 7valks forward. Aside.) 

Dinkelspeil. — Five hundred agres of shwamps — for dwo 
dhousand dollars. * * * * He gan go feeshing on id — if der 
musgeeders and snakes vill led him. 

[Re-enter Brakeley with Una and Baby Ethel.] 

{Dick and Baby Ethel go to Dick's table ; Una and Brakeley 



UNCLE DICK. 17 

walk apart from them. Dinkelspeil remains standing, unnoticed 
by Una?) 

Una {Laughingly?) — I gave Aunty the slip nicely. 

Brakeley {Embracing her.) — How did you manage it? 

Una. — I left her in a store while I went to the ribbon counter 
and came here to see how — {roguishly) business was. 

Brakeley {Squeezing her hands. — You rogue ? 

Una {Solemnly.') — Horace ! Do you know Aunty suspects 
you of writing that note ? 

Brakeley {In mock surprise.) — N-o-o ? 

Una. — Yes, sir ! You ought to be ashamed of such irrev- 
erence. 

Brakeley. — I am — a little. 

Una. — Only a little ? You are incorrigible, sir. But wait 
until Aunty sees you. 

Brakeley {With gesture of terror.) — Heaven forbid ! 

Una. — But she will — at the masquerade. 

Brakeley {Quickly.)— Una — I can't go then. The note 
gave my costume. 

Una. — Is that the only costume in New York ? 

Brakeley. — Why ! certainly not. I'll get another one. 

Una {Sits down , picks up note on Brakeley 's desk ; reads ; he 
stands over het.) — Humph — "Twelve months after date 
I promise to pay $2,000." Hump — " Horace Broke — " 
Who is Horace Broke — pray ? 

Brakeley {Laughing.)— Y am Horace — broke — or will be 
when I finish signing this. {Reaches for note ; Una moves it out 
of his teach.) 

Una {Playfully.) — And who are you going to pay, sir ? 

Brakeley {Motioning to .Dinkelspeil, who steps forward and 
bows) — This gentleman ! {Una hands it over after one or two 
feints ; Brakeley finishing signing hands it to Dinkelspeil. ) 

Dinkelspeil {Leenng at Una.) — I'd vas vort der indersd 
knocked off to get id from such beaudiful hands. {Una 
straightens up, haughtily?) 

Brakeley {Stepping toward Dinkelspeil, sharply.) — Eh ! 

Dinkelspeil {Moves toward door ; stops to look at Una; raises 
hands in ec stacy.) — Gracious! Aind she purty? {Brakely starts 
toward him ; he makes exit slamming door behind him.) 

Brakeley — Confound his impudence ! 

Una {Getting up ; taking Brakeley'' s hand ; putting hat on his 
head sideways?) — Come ! 

Brakeley {Straightening hat.) — Where ? 

Una. — To Aunty ! 

Brakeley {In feigned horror .) — Never! Never! ! 

Una. — Before she comes after us 

{Dick jumps up i?i alarm, puts on hat. Baby Ethel takes his 
hand.) 

Brakeley {In mock fright.) — Come on ! Come on ! {Exuant 



18 UNCLE DICK. 

Una and Brakelcy. Dick and Baby Ethel follow 1o door. Dick 
stops, returns to get brief ; rolls it up with great care, takes it under 
his arm. 

Baby Ethel — You're so slow, Uncle Dick ! (aside.) I'll fix 
him. [Aloud.) She's coming ! She's coming ! {Dick takes her 
hand ; makes exit in great alarm.) 

(They are all heard laughing outside, on left of stage. Sharp raps 
on right door. Pause for an answer. They are repeated in angry 
succession. Door swings violently open.) 

[Enter Miss Marjorie.] 

(Highly incensed; glares around; shakes parasol threateningly; 
knocks paper off of Dick's desk; discovers placard " No whistling allow- 
ed in this office." Whistles defiantly.) 

Miss Marjorie. — I'd like to see any one prevent me from 
doing anything I want to. (Glares around again.) Ribbon 
counter ! indeed ! What shade of ribbons did she expect to 
get here? (Catches sight of paper tied with red string.) Red 
tape! perhaps? (Walks about, examining papers, etc.) I'd like 
to see Mr. Brakeley. My future visits will not be as eagerly 
wished for by him. Dolphus write that note ? Preposterous! 
No ! I wont believe it ! He was raised under my influence, 
and respects me too much to refer to me in unseemly epithets. 
Old ! humph ! Old girl ! humph ! I'd like to see that lawyer — 
(contemptuously) the young whipper snapper, (Looks around ; is 
struck with an idea ; sits down at table ; w rites, tapping her foot 
"nervously on the floor. Finishes note ; holds it up.) That will 
do ! I am too much of a lady to indulge in scenes. (Sweeps 
a pile of paper, which is iti her way, off of table.) I'll leave 
him this. (Reads aloud ) 

li H. Brakeley — Sir : — I was temporarily deceived last night, 
and suspected a gentleman — namely, Mr. Greene — of writing a 
scurrilous epistle, of which no gentleman would have been guil- 
ty. I called to see % you, sir ; but you were not in your (great 
contempt) office. I do not remain, because should I meet you, 
I might demean myself by the display of an indignation which, 
though warm, would be instructing you in the art of good man- 
ners ; and that is far more notice than I care to give you. You 
know what I mean, sir. You wrote that note to my niece, and I 
take occasion to notify you, here, that your attentions to that 
young lady are unpleasant to her as well as myself, and must 
cease from this time — forever. She is betrothed^ sir, to her 
cousin — Mr. Adolphus Greene. The invitation sent you — 
(by mistake) to the masquerade at my house — is hereby re- 
cinded. I subscribe myself, sir, a lady who condescends, for 
once, to address other than a gentleman. 

11 Una Marjorie, Senior" 

(Seals note ; rises to go out, when Brakeley and Todd enter left 
door arm-in-arm.) 



UNCLEDICK. 19 

Todd (To Brakeley, entering.} — I was looking for you, my 
boy — (Discovers Miss Marjorie.) Aw — Good morning, Miss 
Marjorie ; this is indeed a pleasure ! ( Walks over to her; bows 
very low ; takes her hand.} 

Miss Marjorie (Smiling grimly.) — I am glad to see you, Mr. 
Todd. I was about to go in search of my niece — who I feared 
might be in questionable company — when you came in, and 
must leave. ( Walks to door ; passes Brakeley vety erect ; nose 
high in air ; he steps aside in alarm.) 

Todd (Stammering.) — What? so soon ! Miss Marjorie. 

Miss Marjorie (Looking at Brakeley disdain/idly.) — Yes, 
Mr, Todd, (sniffs air) I must. This very atmosphere — is — 
odif-er-ous ! (Sweeps out grandly. Brakeley and Todd sink into 
chairs overcome.) 

Todd. — What have I done ? 

Brakeley (After pause.) — Don't you want my. costume. I 
don't believe that I'll go to the masquerade. 

Todd (Jumping up.) — I don't know whether I do or not ! 

Brakeley. — Oh ! she has only got it in for me. She thinks 
I wrote that note. 

Todd (Eyeing him sharply.) — That was a little tough. ( With 
a show of anger.) Did you ? 

Brakeley (Advancing ; nudging him in the ribs.) — You know 
that was one of your jokes ! you rascal ! ■ 

( Todd retreats ; evinces greatest surprise ; shakes head repeatedly 
in contradiction.) 

Brakeley — Then it must have been Greene. 

Todd. — I wish I knew whether it was — I'd (fiercely) pull 
his nose. 

Brakeley (Delighted.) — And ears too ? 

Todd. — And box them — besides. 

Brakeley. — Yes — box them. Ha ! ha ! hal (Slaps him on 
back in high glee.) But don't you want that suit. (Lugubri- 
ously.) I'd rather not go. 

Todd — All right ! all right ! I'll take it off your hands. 
What did it cost? (Takes out pocket-book.) 

Brakeley (Pushing purse away.) — Never mind the cost, old 
fellow! its yours. Here — Wait a moment. (Goes to desk; 
busies himself writing.) 

Todd ( Walking to opposite side of room ; struck suddenly by mem- 
ory of something. Takes a dispatch from his pocket.) — Humph ! 
I came mighty near forgetting that. (Reads aloud.) " Benjamin 
Todd, Secretary Southern Investment Company : Buy to-day, 
if possible y five thousand acres Arkansas land — Crittenden coun- 
ty. Cypress grown. See the man Dinkelspeil, if he can be 
found. Offer $200 an acre for what he has. Close to-day. 
A rival company is after it. John Smith, President." (Aside.) 
Dinkelspeil ! Oh, yes! the Hebraic gentleman — I'll hunt him 



20 UNCLE DICK. 

up. (Aloud.) Horace, my boy, I've got a little business affair 
to attend to. Send the suit around to my rooms— will you ? 

Brakeley. — Yes ! yes ! all right ! {Exit Todd, hastily, unob- 
served ; after his departure Brakeley continues.) What is your 
number ? {Looks iLp ; discovers Todd gone ; goes to door ; calls ; 
runs out.) Todd ! oh, Todd ! {Re-enter Brakeley chuckling.) I 
feel sorry for Todd ; ha ! ha ! {Sits down ; discovers note ; holds 
it up.) Who left that here? {Reads ; drops back in chair ; gasps.) 
Great Heavens! She was here! here!! waiting for me! 
Whew ! * * * * * * {Meditatively .) So my invitation is — ha ! 
ha ! — rescinded. That's formal. And I am not to see Una — 
Thai's unpleasant. Well! now! if young love can't cheat old 
opposition I'd like to know the reason. If it wasn't for that an- 
nulment clause I'd marry the little girl now — and then (in mock 
alarm) buy an armor — cap-a-pie. * * * * * And Todd will 
wear my suit. I do feel sorry for Todd. Ha — ha ! (Enter 

Alice 
unobserved, left door.) She's a daisy. Ha! ha ! (Brakeley wheels 
before finishing the sentence. Alice mistakes it for rather a broad 
compliment , draws up indignantly.) 

Brakeley (Embarrassed.) — Beg pardon — er — I was rumi- 
nating on the qualities of one of my lady acquaintances. 
(Places chair.) Have a seat? (Walks to his own chair; sits 
down ; turns expectantly .) 

Alice. — Mr. Brakeley — I believe ? 

Brakeley. — Yes — that is conventional title. 

Alice (Smiling wearily.) — Have you another? 

Brakeley — No ! Well ! I am given another by the lady of 
whom I was thinking. 

Alice (Smites.) — I wish to institute inquiries, Mr. Brakeley, 
for one who I last saw in this city some years ago. 

Brakeley (Attentively .) — Y-e-e-s ? 

Alice. — And I understand that you can aid me in the mat- 
ter — at — (hesitates) a nominal cost. 

Brakeley. — Yes, I think I could. 

Alice. — I mention the fee, sir, because — you may see (in- 
dicates her modest attire) that I am unable to pay a large one. 
(Quickly.) Unless — unless — you were successful. (Then dubi- 
ously.) I don't know — I don't know — what then. 

Brakeley. — Don't mention that now ! Wait until some- 
thing is done. Case first — fee next — It's an unbusiness-like 
axiom, but one that I have adopted. Who is the — er — er — 

Alice (Prompting.) — Gentleman. 

Brakeley. — Gentleman you wish to find? Was he a man of 
any prominence — well-known — in business? 

Alice. — Yes, he was a banker five years ago. I have 
searched the city directories since that time, but his name does 
not appear in them. It was dropped almost immediatly after 
our — separation # '* # and none of his former associates know 



UNCLE DICK. 21 

anything of him. He disappeared from them as completely as 
his name did from the city record. 

Brakeley {Aside.) — A. grass-widow ! Pretty ones are dan- 
gerous. {Aloud, delicately.) Gentleman — your — your husband ? 

Alice {Looking down.) — Yes ! {Hesitating.) But he was — 
married — again after we separated. 

Brakeley {Aside.) — I knew it ! Divorce ! 

Alice {Ove> hearing.) — Yes ! A divorce — not by the courts, 
but by the perfidy of a supposed friend and conspiring 
circumstances. 

Brakeley {Surprised.) — The man is a bigamist, then ! 

Alice. — He believes me dead. 

Brakeley. — How came he victim to such a mistake ? 

Alice. — The story is not an unusal one : By marrying him 
I disappointed another, and made an enemy to our happiness. 
We were married ten years ago. Our life was as happy as his 
love and my devotion could make it. Until after our baby's 
birth we were separated from my former suitor. In an unfor- 
nate hour we again met him. His professions of friendship for 
my husband — pretended affection for my baby — better prepared 
me to become a victim to his duplicity. He forged a telegram, 
purporting to be from my invalid sister in Washington, saying 
that her life had been despaired of, and asking me to see her 
before she died. I wrote a note to my husband explaining the 
cause of my sudden departure, and boarded the first train for 
Washington. In the note I asked my husband to follow, with 
the nurse and child, on the next one. I trusted my husband's 
friend (?) with its delivery. The train on which I left was 
wrecked. I was injured, and weeks elapsed befor I awoke 
to consciousness in a hospital, in a strange city. When suf- 
ciently recovered I returned to New York, and inquired at the 
hotel for my busband and baby. The cruel suspicion conveyed 
by the scant civility with which I was treated did not then occur 
to me, but is now only too plain. I learned what I most dreaded 
— that my absence had not been explained. My husband and 
child were gone. The note I wrote him had never reached 
him, and in his eyes I was a — wanton. * * * * This knowl- 
edge — a wife's despair — a mother's axiety — made unendura- 
ble what was already infinite torture. I became ill again — and 
recovered — to begin what has been a fruitless search. 

Brakeley. — When — how did you learn of this second mar- 
riage ? 

Alice. — Two years after. — By a communication from the 
man who caused my dishonor in a husband's esteem. Before I 
received it I was ignorant of the odious deception he had prac- 
ticed. It was a confession that made plain all that I could not 
understand before. He caused the telegram to be sent and 
provided for my detention had his plan not miscarried The 
accident in which I was hurt served his end as well, and he 



22 UNCLE DICK. 

wrote, exultantly, that my husband first believed me faithless — 
then dead — that my memory with him had been short-lived 
after the accummulation of damaging appearances against 
me — that another woman had supplanted me in the affections 
of my husband and my baby. I was afraid to investigate far- 
ther for that reason. (Sadly.) If he is happy I not wish to in- 
terfere. Only to see him — even it he never again hears of me. 

Brakeley ) Aside.) — Humph! A female Enoch Arden. 

Alice. — I have sent his photographs to detectives in every 
city in the United States, but their search for him has been 
as futile as my own. 

Brakeley. — Have you any photographs left ? 

Alice (Hands him photograph; he examines it; starts. Aside.) 
Where have I seen that face ? 

Alice. — (Notices action; speaks eagerly; catches him by the 
arm.) — Did you know him ? 

Brakeley (Hesitates before answering.) — I was trying to think. 
The forehead is like — the eyes look at me as familiarly — as in 
life — Bat I can't imagine— who it is so like. No ! It is only 
a fancied resemblance — I don't remember — {looks again.) 
yet there is something about the face which forces itself upon me. 
Have you any proofs of your husbands second marriage besides 
the mere assertion of the man who — 

Alice {Interrupting.) —Yes! Anticipating a disbelief in the 
confession he made, he enclosed with it a copy of the marriage 
certificate and a newspaper article saying that it had been con- 
summated.. But the place and date on both were carefully 
erased. 

Brakeley. — Where are they now ? 

Alice. — I left them at my hotel. 

Brakeley. — I would like to see them — when could you 
send them here ? 

Alice (Rising.) — I will get them myself. The hotel is only 
a few blocks distant. I will return here with them in an hour. 
( Goes to door ; stands ; suddenly remembers something and comes 
back ) The fee — Mr. Brakeley — {Hesitates. Brakeley is about 
to say something ; she makes a gesture not to interrupt.) I told 
you — sir — that I was unable to pay a large one. (He essays to 
speak ; she silences him again, and proceeds with a show of confu- 
sion.) I am unable to pay any ! (Brakeley signifies indifference 
to fee by pantomime ; Alice opens a package, displays watch.) I 
want to secure you — 

Brakeley (Interrupting, Offended). — Don't mention it ! I 
am no pawnbroker, madam. 

Alice (Hurt.) — Pardon me, if I have offended you. Ac- 
cept this, though, until I can redeem it — I will feel more at 
liberty to ask your aid— unless you do — pardon me, Mr. Brake- 
ley — I — can — not ask your assistance. (Lays watch on cor- 
ner of Brakelefs desk, Exit, hastily.) 



UNCLE DICK. 23 

Brakeley {Picks up watch ; starting after her.) — Miss! Mad- 
am ! (Stops.) Ah, well ! confound it ! I will keep it until she 
comes back. Successful or not, I would become a grinder, in- 
deed, to keep it. (Sits down ; opens watch ; looks at it ; puts it 
down ; thinks a moment.) Where did I see the original of that 
picture? Somewhere — I'm sure. On the street perhaps. 
No ! the face seems to have been associated with me — every 
day I * * * Oh, well! a bad job is best done when given 
up. It'll come to me — some time. 

(Re-enter Dick 

with brief carefully hugged under his arm ; spreads it out on table.) 
Brakeley (Looking up.)— Got back, Dick»? 

Dick (Arranging pens and ink, stands about table in absent 
way.) — Yes! Yes! I've been out for a walk — * * * It recu- 
perates the mind — * * * It's healthy. 

Brakeley. — So it is ! Dick ! So it is ! 

Dick. — And one working on this (touches brief affectionately) 
must have recuperation — and health. 

Brakeley. — Sure — sure — so they must! But we've had 
quite a rush of business to-day, Dick , we have been overwhelm- 
ed with business, havn't we ? 

Dick. — (Looks surprised, then vacantly ; makes a memorandum 
on manuscript ; mutters}} — Must get him — I forgot him. 

Brakeley (Patronizingly. — Still working on the brief? Dick ! 
(Dick looks up and nods.) Yes ! yes ! lots of 'em in here — 
(touches paper) lots of 'em. Queer people, too ! Queer people — 

Brakeley (Interrupting.) — Have you got Aunty in there ? 

Dick — Oh! yes! oh! yes! she's in there. (Pauses ; goes 
to Brakeley ; whispers.) I don't mind telling you, but I 
wouldn't like to have it get out — but (with great show) I wish 
she ivasrtt. She makes trouble with the figures — she gets em 
tangled up — I must straighten those tangles out. (Goes back ; 
bends over manuscripts) 

Brakeley. — Aunty was down here, you know, to-day. 
(Dick looks alarmed.) Yes — she was here — and I'm afraid 
she'll make more trouble with the figures. (Dick looks at him 
questionly ; he picks up manuscript nervously.) Yes! If she 
finds out Una was here — she's determined on it — I know it — 
/wont tell her though — you aint going to, are you? I'm 
not — (Dick shakes his head vigorously.) 

Dick. — No ! no ! please don't — she'll turn the figures all 
around — topsey-turvey — I wont — (Dick breaks off without 
finishing sentence and figures manuscript absently ) 

Brakeley (Aside.) — / expect she "would. (Aloud.) No ! no ! 
last thing I'd think of — Dick — I wont tell her. (Dictfs face 
brightens.) And now, Dick, I am going out. (Walks over to 
Dick; puts hand on his shoulder.) You straighten out the tan- 



24 UNCLE DICK. 

gles — and if a lady calls to see me — tell her I'll be back pre- 
sently. {Goes to left door.) 

(Enter Dinkelspeil.] 

( Unobserved at right door . Greatly excited.) 

Dinkelspeil {Aside.) — Mother of Moses ! If hair dond gost 
money I pull mine oud ! I vas a ruined man— a ruined man ! 
Two hundred dollars an agre — two hundred und feefty agres — 
fee-fty thousand dollars ! Mother of Moses ! Und led id slip 
dro my fingers like dot. I vas gracy fool ! I v-i-1-1 go gracy — 
I v-i-1-1 go gracy ! Brakeley turns; discovers him; he changes 
countenance, but not too soon to avert Brakeley' 1 s suspicion.) 

Dinkelspeil (Dissembling ; rubbing hands.) — Ah, Meester 
Brageley, I vas back vonce more — I made a leedle misdake — 
in der description of dot land — I vant to gorrect id — like a 
squvare man — (Laughs insinuatingly.) Oder peoples dond care 
for leedle misdakes — ven dey lose noding — but I vas a 
squvare man — Meester Brageley— I dond vant to schwindle 
nobody. 

Brakeley (Surprised.) — But the deed has been registered — 
I sent it to the Register's office and it has been entered already. 

Dinkelspeil (Starts in surprised alarm.) — Registered al- 
ready? (Savagely.) Den you knew — you knew — you would 
schwindle me — 

Brakeley (Threateningly.) — What do you mean ? 

Dinkelspeil {Backing from him; recovering; servilely.) — 
Noding ! noding ! Meester Brageley — so helb me — I dond 
mean anything — only only — 

Brakeley. — What ? 

Dinkelspeil (Cringing.) — I vas a man of family — Mr. 
Brageley — a man of family — If I sell land dot dond belong to 
me — Meester Brageley — (shows alarm) I ged my — self in jail. 
(More emotion.) Vat vould my leetle schildren do if I ged in 
jail — 

Brakeley (Interrupting.) — Ha! ha! ha! Rest easy — my 
friend. I'll not send you to jail — for a mistake. (Starts out. ) 
Come around to-morrow — I've an appointment now ! I can't 
get the deed back until then. (Exit.) 

Dinkelspeil (Aside.) — Gracious Heaven ! I vas a ruined 
man ! He knows ! He vould schwindle me ! Vat a fool I 
vas — (emotion) vat a fool ? He vould schwindle me — dam 
him ! (Aloud. Turning to follow Brakeley. Calling in a whin- 
ing voice.) Meester Brageley! Meester Brageley ! ! (Exit both 
right door.) 

Dick (Rising.) — I haven't got him. (Muses.) Let me see, have 
/got him? No! (Muses again.) I'm afraid he would tangle 
the figures — (Hesitates) I'll see — (Walks to Brakeley 7 s desk; 
takes pen ; goes to his own ; writes ; takes pen back ; discovers 
Alice'' s luatch ; snatches it up ; puts hand to forehead ; staggers.) 



UNCLEDICK. 25 

Hers ! Hers ! ! I gave -it to her ! {Looks around apartment 
dazed.) 

[Enter Alice.] 

{Left door ; starts ; recognizes Dick ; hold out her hands suppli- 

catingly. 

Alice. — Dick! Dick!! 

Dick {Wheels ; staggers.)— Alice ! ! (Falls in swoon.) 

Alice {Rushes to him; holds up his head; bends over him: 

kisses him.) — Dick! Dick! Oh! Dick! Answer me? speak 

to me Dick ! 

[Re-enter Brakeley.] 

Brakeley (Stops in door; surprised.) — What is this? (Goes 
to Dick ; stoops evet him ; shakes him. ) Dick ! old fellow ! 
Here ! wake up ! Dick ! What's the matter? {To Alice, sav- 
agely.) What have you done to him ? What are you doing ? 

Alice (Bending over Dick.) — No one has better right to min- 
ister him. I am his wife I 

Brakeley {Astounded.) — Leave him then, if you care for 
him ! Your presence will excite him. Go ! Call here to learn 
of him. Go ! you'll do harm — no good — Go ! I tell you ! 

{Alice kisses Dick passionately ; rises ; goes to door ; stands in 
it undecided, holding out hands toward Dick. ) 

[curtain.] 



ACT III. 

SCENE. — Miss Mar jorie' 's parlors, showing corner of dining room right 
side. Portierres partially concealing table within. Miss Mar- 
jorie in evening costume (rather thin) talking to two dominoes 
(gentleman and lady masked). Other masquers about room. Hall 
behind (different from first act) showing Jincks in smart lackey's 
dress, standing near entrance to admit guests, care for wraps, etc. 
Miss Marjorie walks from Dominoes ; cast eyes over assemblage; mo- 
tions to Jincks, who approaches and bows. 

Miss Marjorie. — Has the Turk arrived yet ? 

Jincks. — No, ma'am. 

Miss Marjorie. — Well! don't forget! If he does, tell him, 
very plainly. Don't mince what I said — you needn't hesitate 
to offend him — and don't admit him — under any circumstances ! 
How is Mr. Richard? 

Jincks {Bowing.)— -The doctor don't think he is serious, 
ma'am — but — says he must be kept quiet. 

Miss Marjorie — Is Miss Una still in his room ? 

Jincks. — Yes, ma'am. 

Miss Marjorie (Questioningly,) — She will be down shortly ? 

Jincks. — Yes, ma'am ; as soon as Mr. Dick goes to sleep. 



26 UNCLE DICK. 

Miss Marjorie {Aside.) — Poor Dick ! He repeats that wo- 
man's name with everybreath — asleep or awake. I wonder 
what could have caused this relapse ? The infamous creature. 
He was afoot to go crazy about her. She wasn't worth it. 
(Turns toward Jincks ; sharply.*) What are you looking at? 
Go to your place. (Jincks returns to door.) 

[Enter Una.] 

(In costume — decolette — black or pink silk mask ; walks over to 
Miss Marjorie.) 

Una. — Will you wear costume, Aunty ? 

Miss Marjorie (Doubtfully.) — I don't know — Dick's sud- 
den illness — 

Una (Interrupting.) — Uncle Dick will be all right in a few 
days, Aunty. Probably well ! 

Miss Marjorie (Surprised.) — Entirely recovered — do you 
mean ? — 

Una. — Yes — Aunty — in every way ; if Dr. Wilkin's opin- 
ion proves prophetic. 

Miss Marjorie (Earnestly and gladly.) — I hope that it may. 

Una (Sincerely.) — I hope so too Aunty — perhaps have reason 
to believe that it will. (Aside.) I'll not tell her anything yet. 
(Aloud.) But I will remain here until you come back. Con- 
ventionality, you know, makes it your duty as hostess to wear 
your costume. 

Miss Marjorie. — Faugh ! I consult my own senses — not con- 
ventionality. If I choose to wear mourning and its proper I'll 
do it. It's convenient, though, to wear something else, now, 
and I'll (shortly) suit convenience. (Exit.) 

Una — (laughing. — Candor is at least one of Aunty's virtues. 
* * * * * * * (Looks about at male guests.) I wonder what 
guise Horace will adopt — to escape her recognition. (Sighs.) 
And opposition to Horace's suit is one of Aunty's faults, (Jiticks 
approaches with card-reciver ; i7ivitation on it; Una examines it 
eagerly.) What name, Jincks ? 

Jincks (Bowing.) — Mr. Greene. 

Una (Throws invitation down impatiently.) — All right, show 
him in. (Jincks walks to hall door, holds back portierres.) 

Una (Aside ) — I wish cousin Adolphus — humph — (contempt- 
uously^) could see that his attentions annoy me. He is so very 
obtuse that even Aunty's hints are lost on him. 

[Enter Brakeley — masked.] 

(Assumes Greene's manner, motion and voice throughout e?itire act, 
except when he discloses his identity to Una. Walks over to Una, 
she turns from him petuantly.) 

Brakeley. — Aw — Una — I would know you in a thousand ! 

Una (Coldly,) — Indeed ! how? 

Brakeley. — By your — aw — voice — 



UNCLE DICK. 27 

Una. — I had not spoken — 

Brakeley {Impetuously.} — By your eyes — Una — by your 
divine form — by your — 

Una {Sarcastically .) — By your own perspicuity — 

Brakeley. — Aw — possibly. Love is not always blind — 
and when a fellah — er — er — loves a girl like I do you — 
Una — he can't — {He attempts to take Unas hand ; she draws it 
away ! ) 

Una {Laughing at him.) — You are quite poetical, coz ! {She 
touches him under the chin with one finger ; he is shocked — 
But — {singing) 

*" I'm to be married to-day, I'm to be married to-day."— A irfrom Mikado. 

To-morrow — some other day — next week. {Moves from him 
laughing.) 

Brakeley {In offended surprise.) — Una ! you don't mean it ? 

Una — But I do, Coz ; I do mean it. 

Brakeley. — Who to ? that — er — lawyah — 

U 'na {Angrily.) — Sir! {Brakeley starts.) No uncomplimen- 
tary references to Mr. Brakeley ! Do you understand ? {Fol- 
lows him ; shakes finger^ threatening, he backs a7c>ay.{He f s a man 
of brains, sir ! which you are not. He is handsome — you — are 
not. He has my affections, too, sir ! — you — have not. Do you 
understand, sir? I shall tell him what you said about him, 
and he will properly punish you. 

Brakeley {Dissembles great alatm ; backs to end of stage ; Una 
touches him again under the chin with one finger ; laughs and runs 
away to group of guests.) 

Brakeley ( As she leaves ; ludicuriously .) — Cruel ! cruel ! 
Una! 

[Re-enter Miss Marjorie.] 

{In ridicuously unappropriate costume ; masked.) 

Brakeley {Starts ; Aside, in natural voice.) — Heavens ! 
Aunty ! Now lor a master stroke. {Approaches Miss Marjo- 
rie ; bows.) — Aw — good evening, Aunty ! 

Miss Marjorie {Surveying him.) — You ! Dolphus ! Humph ! 
Aint you padded? 

Brakeley {Surveying himself with affected pride.) — N-a-w . 
It's all my own. 

Miss Marjorie {Doubtfully.) — I don't believe it. 

Brakeley {After turning around to display his costume.) — 
You — aw — don't like jokes — beawstley, pwactical jokes — 

Miss Marjorie — Not a great deal. Why? 

Brakeley {Confidential.) — You and /are to be victims to one 
to-night. 

Miss Marjorie — M-e-e-e-? 

Brakeley — We were to be — but / — aw — learned of it — 
and we will circumvent the jokist if you — aw — will aid me. 

Miss Marjorie {Indignantly?) — Who would dare — ? 



28 UNCLE DICK. 

Brakeley (Interrupting.) — Mister — er — Todd. 

Miss Marjorie (Surprised, but less severe.) — Mr. — Todd? 

Brakeley. — Y-a-a-s ; you see he is going to announce himself 
as — ha ! ha ! — as me ! 

Miss Marjorie (Eyeing him.) — He made a bad choice, I 
must say ! 

(Brakeley starts back offended ; Miss Marjorie continues im- 
patiently. — And what then ? 

Brakeley. — Make love to Una. 

Miss Marjorie. — W-h-a-t ! 

Brakeley. — Y-a-a-s; but we can turn the joke on him — ha ! 
ha! 

Miss Marjorie. — How ? 

Brakeley. — By your pretending to be deceived, and becom- 
ing — Una. 

Miss Marjorie — Humph — That would do. You've got 
more sense than I thought. (Quickly.) I'll doit! {altercation 
heard outside, left ; Miss Marjorie goes to porJierres ; Brakeley 
walks to Una, who avoids him by moving away. 

Todd's Voice (angrily.) — What do you mean ? Wont admit 
me ? Do you know who I ami 

Jinck's Voice (As if strugglinglto prevent a forcible entrance, 
— Can't — help — it — no — Turks can — get in — here — no Turks 
— keep out \ 

Todd's Voice (In great rage.) — No Turks ! eh ! Confound 
you — Go to Miss Marjorie — she invited — me — confound 
you — she knows — me — so do you — you scoundrel — (Sounds 
of second scuffle.) 

Miss Marjorie (Hears ; calls angrily to Jincks.) — Jincks ! if 
that man don't leave here — call the police ! 

Todd's Voice — The devil ! So thsi is what you meant, to- 
day, Madam, is it ? 

Miss Marjorie. — It is — sir — fincks, do as I tell you ! 

Todd's Voice (Receding.) — Then, damn your house, Madam 
* * * D-a m-n everybody in it, you too. 

Miss Marjorie (Horrified. )— Call the police— Jincks — call 
the police ! * * * * * * W-e-1-1 ! The Impudence! In my own 
house, too ! The disrespectful scalawag ! Why didn't I have 
the police, any how ? 

(Una is supposed to be out of heating, or has not heard on ac- 
ac count of the attention of Btakeley, who has followed and con- 
versed with her in dumb show. ) 

Brakeley (Aside.)— Intended for m-e ! Heavens ! What an 
escape. And Todd! T-o-d-d ! How can I explain it to Todd ? 

(Miss Marjorie walks to group of guests ; music behind wings, 
side of other room corner, strikes up ; she pauses a moment and 
walks toward Una, who stands with back to her, facing audience ; 
Miss Marjorie and Brakeley converse in dumb show.) 



UNCLEDICK. 29 

[Enter Greene — masked?^ 

{Large ulster, reaching to his feet ; looks in from hall door, unob- 
served.) 

Greene (Aside.) — Aw — The guests are early. * * * (Puts 
glass to eye.) It I wasn't so dreadfully neah-sighted I could tell 
which was Una. {Steps back to pile of coats, wraps, etc., unbut- 
tons ulster ; Jincks steps forward, assists him off with it ; when it 
is removed he is revealed in striped silk boating suit , black stockings, 
short slippers ; sleeves of jacket off at shoulders ; trousers to knees 
only, arms bate, limbs thin, chest hollow, back humped, jacket very 
thin, showing movement of shoulder blades ; mask cove? big entire 
face. Jincks surveys him ; suppresses a smile; Greene states at 
him severely.) Aw — fellah — which is Miss Marjorie — Miss 
Una? {Jincks points to Miss Marjorie and Brakeley ; suppresses 
another smile ; Greene stares more severely ; turns ; walks over to 
Miss Marjorie.) 

Brakeley {Noticing his approach ; to Miss Marjorie.) — He's 
aw — coming — Aunty. We'll joke him with his own — aw — 
joke. {Aloud, addressing her for Greeners benefit?) Pawdon me — 
Miss Una — {Turns, goes to Una ; leaves Greene by Miss Mar- 
jorie?) 

Miss Marjorie (Turns; affects Una's voice.) — Ah! cousin 
you are late. 

Greene {Eyes her in surprise ; rubs eyes ; aside.) — Gracious ! 
I must consult an oculist. 

Miss Marjorie. — What detained you? I have been expect- 
ing you (simpers) some time. 

Greene (Gallantly.) — Had I known it — how quickly I 
would have come — But — ah — (scrutinizes her critically) have 
you been ill ? you looll awful ! (Miss Marjorie starts ; Greene 
adds quickly,) in the face — I mean — you're pale. 

Miss Marjorie (Aside.) — He must be drunk. (Aloud.) A 
slight indisposition — but don't allow yourself any uneasiness — 
I am perfectly well now. 

Greene {Aside.) — I'll see that oculist after breakfast. (He 
proffers arm to Miss Marjorie ; they walk around. Jincks passes 
through, enters second room; music strikes up louder; maskers 
dance (a Castanet or minuet is suggested) or parade around in 
couples, conversing arid laughing in dumb show ; Jincks throws 
back portierres, displaying table laid for supper ; Miss Marjorie 
and Greene enter, followed by others ; Una and Brakeley last.) 

[Enter Bella] 

(From right side of hall ; looks about ; peers through crack be- 
tween portierres Popping of corks and laughter heard inside. 
Brakeley 1 s and Greenes fair voices heard. Bella walks to middle of 
stage. ) 

Brakeley' s Voice, {From room.) — A toast to the reigning 



30 UNCLE DICK. 

beauty — Mr. Greene's companion — and confusion to all rivals. 
{Laughter ; noise of glasses.) 

Greene's Voice. — Aw — thanks — again— if I may individ- 
ualize — confusion to — er — lawyers. {Renewed laughter.) 

Omnes. — Yes ! yes ! confusion to lawyers ! Ha ! ha ! 

Bella (Listening : starting with every outburst.) — Well — a reg- 
ular fulisade ; in Miss Marjorie's house too ! Its wonderful ! 
What a difference some people can make in other people ! If 
anyone had hinted at masqurades and men striped thing-em a- 
bobs like them before she met Mr. Todd — they'd 'a been 
frowned out of existance. ( Laughter and noise of glasses 
within starts again.) Why I can hardly believe I'm living and 
this is Miss Marjorie's. She'll be actually getting good tem- 
pered next. 

( Jincks steps out fro77i behind portierres with bottle of wine and 

cork-screw in hand ; discovers Bella ; Tiptoes up behind her ; lets 

cork fly near her face ; catches wine as it effervesces; takes bottle 

from mottth ; smacks lips ; wipes them deliberately ; offers bottle to 

Bella.) 

Jincks. — Miss Simpkins — Arabella — (Mimics as in first act.) 

Take a sip? {Bella turns up her nose ; turns her back on him.) 

What is there about me to cause this cruel — but {resuming his 

own voice) you ought to see him — ha ! ha ! ha ! — see his 

s-h-a-p-e! {Is convulsed.) 

Bella ( With great dignity.) — Him 2 Who's him ? 

Jincks. — The bald-headed — fl e-s-h-pot ! ha! ha! (In mock 
seriousness.) No ! no ! He aint t-h a-t. 

Bella {Coldly ; offended.) — You might, at least, use becoming 
language in the presence ot a lady — Mr. Jincks. 

Jincks {In mock humility .) — Excuse mfc — M-i-s-s Simpkins — 
excuse me — {Noise at porticrre ; Jincks turns around, presses 
bottle into Bella's hands, steps forward to throw them back ; Bella 
covers bottle with apron. Exit hastily. 

Re-enter Una and Brakeley 

from room ; Una first, Brakeley followifig ; Una walks rapidly 
ahead to middle of stage ; removes masks ; Brakely pauses a mo- 
ment at door to look back. ) 

Una {Aside.) — His impudence is becoming intolerable. * * 
* * % * Why isn't Horace here ? * * * * * {Brakeley ap- 
proaches her from behind ; puts his ar?ns about her ; she struggles 
from him.) 

Una {angrily,) — There is a limit, sir — to everything! If 
you continue this ungallant conduct, I shall tell Mr. Brakeley — 
and trust him to properly chastise you. 

Brakeley ( With affected bravo.) — Whose afraid of that — 
aw — fellah ? 

Una {Sneering.) — You grow bold suddenly. {Brakeley makes 



UNCLE DICK. 31 

movement toward he? ; she moves away manifesting anger and con- 
tempt.') 

Brakeley {Resuming natural voice; removing mask; laugh- 
ing.) — Una ! Forgive me ? 

Una {Looks at him first in pleased surprise ; starts toward 
him ; stops suddenly ; pouts ; speaks half petuantly.) — I wont for-. 
give you. You deceived me. 

Brakeley (Goes to her ; takes her in his arms; she struggles 
slightly; then yields .) — Forgive me, Una ! Please — now? See, 
I'm as penitent as the prodigal son ! 

Una. — And less corrigible ! ( Brakeley attempts to kiss her, 
she evades him.) I'll not forgive you Aren't you ashamed of 
yourself — to deceive me ? 

Brakeley (Contritely.') — Yes — Una! 

Una. — I don't believe you ! A man who will deceive — 
will — {struggles ;) w'\\\fib. 

{Noise at portierres ; voices, laughter; music becomes subdued ; 
guests enter in couples ; Brakeley and Una walk apart ; Brakeley 
puts mask back on ; resumes Greene's swagger and manner. 

[Re-enter Miss Marjorie and Greene.] 

{Greene very much under influence of wine ; stumbles ', pulls 
Mtss Matjorie accidentally , she holds him up ; freezes him with a 
stare ; he makes a pitiful effort to straighten himself.) 

Greene {Aside. Attributing inebriation to near-sightedness.) — 
I — aw — (hie) must see ther — oculist to-morrow. {Lurches for- 
ward; another effort at sobriety; another stare from Miss Marjorie.) 
Aw — I say — (hie)— don't — don't ! You look — as sour as — 
(hie) — Aunty. {Another lurch Aside.) I — aw — must see — 
er — hoc- u- list. 

Miss Marjorie {Aside. Surprised ; indignant.) — This impu- 
dence from Mr. — T-o-d-d? 

Greene {Holding out hands.) — Fair — fair — (hie) — cou- 
sin — don't get mad ? 

Miss Marjorie {Severely.) — Human females don't u get 
mad," — but angry. 

Greene {Argumentively .) — Aw — yes! Aunty — gets damn 
—angry. 

Miss Marjorie {Horrified. Aside.) — The reprobate ! They're 
all alike — unpromising material — but /'// take the knots out of 
him — {Grimly.) He'll remember this. 

Greene {Conciliatingly .) — Forgive me — er — (hie) — joke — 
forgimme — wine — gone to my — e-r — (hie) — head — White 
Label — y'know — joke. * * * I know you aint — {lurches at 
her playfully .) 

Miss Marjorie {Aside.) — So he don't think I'm Una — 
wanted to tease me — eh ! peculiar humor — I must say. 

Greene — No — mask — can — er — (hie) — hide your lovely 
face — you remember — other (hie) night — 



32 UNCLE DICK. 

Miss Marjorie {Aside.)— His object in going to the theatre. 
{Aloud. Simpering.') Y-e-e s, I remember. 

Greene. — T — er — drank — White label — your account. 

Miss Marjorie (Aside.) — To screw up his courage. {Aloud.) 
That was not necessary — 

Greene. — Yes — (hie) to — propose — {Miss Marjorie starts ; 
hold oat hands to him ; he takes the??i ; drops on knees.) Er — hie 
something. 

Miss Marjorie {Coyly.) — Ah ! now — did you ? 

Greene (Kissing her hand fervently ; surprised.) — She's — 
er — getting kinder. Er — (hie) my boy — Time — my boy — 
Time and Merit— will — (hie) win. (Kisses her hands again.) 

Miss Marjorie {Turning her head away in affected modesty.) 
— He aint so very drunk — after all ! 

Greene. — Then you — er — love me a little — hie — er — 
Una? 

Miss Majorie {Delighted at mention of name^) — A little! 
more ! a great deal — Benjamin ! 

Greene {Aside in stupid surprise.) — Benja — hie— Benja- 
min — (hie) White Label — did it — must see er — (hie) aurist 
to-morrow — {Aloud.) You — er — ell marry — me — ? {hie) — 
Merit — White Label — (hie) Time. {Staggers ; embraces Miss 
Marjorie ; she nestles to him.) Lovely ! lovely ! Una, lemme — 
see — your face ? {attempts to take off he? mask ; she evades him.) 
Take — it — er-r — off with — r-me ; we'll — show — r — (hie) up to- 
gether. You {condescendingly) can — see — my — r — iacer — r 
(hie) ! {He turns from Miss Marjorie, who also turns back to 
him to unmask. Brakeley and Una approaches them.) 

Greene. — We'll — r — (hie) count three: One— r * * * * 
two ! * * * thr-r-e-e ! 

{Both turn unmasked, face each other. Miss Marjorie screams ; 
faints , fails into Brakeley 's arms. Greene stands in stupid con- 
sternation; his knees knocking together, and face expressive of 
maudlin amaze?nent.) 



ACT IV. 

SCENE — Miss Marjorie's reception rooms. As curtain raises Todd is 
shown in hall in rear by hat rack (same as first act) Jincks assisting 
him off with overcoat. Todd walksjorward, sits down, strikes gloves 
across knee impatiently. 

Todd {angrily.) — I'll have an explanation — or — or — I'll 
never come to this house again. Call the police — huh ! Call 
the police to me ? I can't understand it ! I was never more 
dumfounded in my life — just when everything looked serene 
too ! But I'll have an explanation — Zounds ! I don't know 



UNCLEDICK. 33 

but what I'll demand an apology. {Jincks passes hall door. Todd 
sees him. Calls gruffly.') Here ! You ! 

(Jincks approaches cautiously, manifests alarm on getting near. 
Todd eyes him critically.) 

Todd {aside.) — He aint so very big, (aloud.) Are you the 

fellow — (Jincks starts, Todd advances on him) — who kept me out 

of here last night, (fincks bows in acknowledgment. Todd utters 

a cry of rage. Starts after him. They dodge around a table. 

7 odd collects himself suddenly, stops, eyes fincks again.) 

Todd {very indignant.) — You are ? Huh ! {Starts again, 
fincks gets ready for a second flight, Todd changes his mind, stops 
again.) What'd you do it for ? Whafd you do it for ? 

Jincks (bowing and dodging.)— It was — orders — sir — It was 
orders. — 

Todd. — Whose orders? You scoundrel ! 

Jincks. — Miss Marjorie's — sir — Miss Marjorie's. 

Todd. — Miss Marjorie's orders — to keep me out ? 

Jincks. — Not you — in particular, but — 

Todd. — But what? 

Jincks. — To keep out Turks — not to let in any Turks ! 

Todd (Starts in suprise, then meditates.) — Not to admit any 
Turks — (to Jincks.) What Turk ? — What for? (Jincks is 
again alarmed) Talk ! Confound you ! — What for ? 

Jincks. — Yes ! Sir ! No Turks to be admitted — I don't 
know — what for. 

Todd. — Well! I'll find out. Take that to Miss Marjorie, 
(hands him card.) Hurry up ! Don't look at me — You 
scoundrel. 

Jincks (Hurries to door, slops, bows, put head back in.) Beg 
your pardon. — 

Todd.— What? 

Jincks. — But I'm no fellow. (Todd starts, he dodges back in 
door, shuts, then opens it, puts head back in.) Nor no scoundrel. 

Todd (Starts at him.) — Bah! Get out ! (Jincks jerks head 
in, same door. Todd chuckles.) In picnic vernacular li I got 
my bluff in on him, n my how. * * * (changes countenence, 
puffs up.) But I came here to be mad. I must be stern — at 
least * * * (chuckles again.) It's remarkable how good 
natured a fellow gets — when he bulldozes somebody. I was 
loaded for — an ebulition — when I came in here — let fly at that 
fellow and now the edge of my temper's gone. Ha! ha! 
(pauses and thinks?) What did he mean about not letting in 
any Tu^ks? (Starts, struck by an idea.) And Brakeley lent 
me that suit ! * * * * The villian. 

Jincks (reappears at door, watches Todd ivarily.) Miss Mar- 
jorie will see you in here. 

Todd (nervously.) — Hump! Wants me in her strong hold. 
( Glares at Jincks, who bows apologetically. Is reassured by his 
intimidation of Jincks. Aside.) Well! (sighs.) I must show 



34 UNCLE DICK. 

the front of arsenal. May be it '11 frighten her. {Darts in 
door.) Jincks — (pauses before following, gesticulating.) Tw-o 
arsenals — sparks — explosion ! (Fxueant both.) 

[Enter Dinkelspeil.] 

{At hall door ; looks around ; steps in; inspects furniture ; wets 
tip of finger to feel plush on a chair.) 

Dinkespeil (Approvingly .) — Dod's purty ! * * * * * All 
vool ! * * * * * (Looks around again.) Must 'ave gost ad 
least four dollars (another inspection of room) er — yard. * * * 
(Grows serious.) Fee-fty thousand dollars! Vot a fool I vas ? 
Vot a fool I vas? (Quickly.) He vould cheat me! eh! 
* * # % Veil ! We see aboud dod! Meester Brageley — ve see 
aboud dod ! ( Subsides , looks around room, wets finger , touches 
chair again?) Ye-es ! Etery cend of lour dollars. (Bends 
over is examining chair when 

Jincks Re-enters 

Jincks clears throat, eyes Dinkelspeil, who turns, suspiciously.) 
Jincks (condescendingly.) Come to fix the furniture ? 

Dinkelspeil (indignantly.) — Vot you dake me for ? A 
garpender? Do I look like a garpemier? (Dtaiving up) Eh ? 

Jincks (deliberately.) — Not — exa-ctly. 

Dinkelspeil (haughtily.) — Veil I dond vas one — ex agtly — 
(mimics) — ad all. (Takes out gaudy silk handkerchief blows 
nose, walks towards Jincks ) Young man ! (Jincks turns up 
nose, moves from Dinkelspeil, who looks at handkerchief to discover 
what offends Jincks 1 sense of smell, draws it under his nose.) 
Mebbe you dond like dod Mignonette cologne ? Eh ! (puts 
handkerchief in his pocket?) 

Jincks. — What is your business — Mister — er — 

Dinkelspeil (prompting, proudly.) — Dinkelspeil ! 

Jincks. — Mister Dinkelspeil ! 

Dinkelspeil (takes out card, straightens up haughtily.) Dake 
dod to Meester Todd. Dell him I vant to see him — immediately. 
( fincks snatches it from him, puts it on tray, carries it out holding 
head to one side and carrying tray as far from his nose as possible.) 

Dinkelspeil — I got me one of dose some day. (Jerks 
finger towards door out of which Jincks went?) * * * * 
Und kill id. * * * * (Pauses ', gtoivs serious again.) Uh ! 
Huh! Meester Brageley vould cheat a squvare man. Not if I 
know id. Vy did'nt I know dot gompany vanted dose lands 
before. Feefty thousand dollars ! (Pauses again, seems to con- 
template punishment for something. Questioningly.) Dey vould'nt 
send a man to jail for a leedle thing like dot. (then assured?) 
Not if he got der money. If he dond got der money — (makes 
wry face.) He vill get der full benalty. It all depends on how 
sugsessful he stheals. Mit fee-fty thousand dollar dey vill 
never gonvict a man — specially — ven he has got a squvare 
reputation. Mit feefty thousand dollars. Of course nod. 



UNCLEDICK. 35 

[ Re-enetrs Jincks.] 

Jincks {superciliously.} — In here! Mister — Dinkelspeil ! 
(Dinkelspeil stalks by him into room very dignified.') 

Jincks (aside.) — Humph! If a new hat rack is .wanted 
(jerks thumb in Dinkelspeil 's direction.) Get several dozen 
noses like that — and nail 'em on upside down. 

[Enter Bella.) 

On way thtough room, Jincks discovers her. 

Jincks. — Bella! (Bella stops ; jincks continues in mock apolo- 
gy.) Oh ! 1 do beg your pardon Miss Simpkins. (Bella looks at 
him angrily ; sinks down in chai? ; puts apron to her eyes.) 

Bella. — This is — cruel, Jincks — you — u — know it is. 
(Cries.) 

Jincks (Making wry face.) — H u-m-p.h ! Didn't you mean 
it ! then 

Bella (Sobbing.) — Mean what ? 

Jincks (Mimics.) — Miss Simpkins — Arabella — 

Bella (Sobbing more violently.) — You — know; I didn't — 
J-i-n-c-k-s. 

Jincks. — H-u-m-p-h! I thought you were — gone on him — 
lie's only bald-headed — you know — got a mole — that's all. 
(Approaches her ; puts arms around her ; she twists a7cay.) 

Bella (Petulantly .) — I hate him ! 

Jincks (In mock surprised) — W-h-y ? 

Bella. — Because — because — he made — y-you — think — 
think — (Breaks down.) 

Jincks" ( Goes thtough pantomime of pleased conceit : surveys his 
man figure; touches his hair significantly.) Tiien you — you — 
didnU mean it? 

Bella. — You — know — I like you — Jincks. I'll never — 
never — (breaks down again.) 

Jincks. — No ! / wouldn't. 

(Dinkelspeil 1 s and Todd's voices at door [B]. Bella dries eyes ; 
exit through hall door ; Jincks follows ) 

[Re-enter Dinkelspeil.] 

Dinkelspeil (Holds up a check ; exclaims in elation.) — Feejty 
thousand dollars — feefty thousand dollars ! So he vould chead 
me ! eh ! Not if Dinkelspeil vas his fader's son. * * * * * * 
Vat a b-e a-u-d-i-f-u-1 check ! Go to jail! Nod much ! Ha! 
ha ! Dwo hundred and fee fty agres in der swamps — fee-fty 
thousand dollars — vavay pogked. Go to jail 2 I regkon nod ! 
(Examines check again.) No ! I vill go to Gooney Island — 
und dake Racheal und der schildren. * * * * (Gracious! vat 
splurge Racheal vill cut in der vater. * * * * So ! dot vas vy 
Meester Brageley dond vant a gorrection — to chead me — dot 
is vy he got id registered right avay — To chead me. 



36 UNCLE DICK. 

[ Enter Greene ] 

( Unobserved during soliloquy; appears at hall door with ovetcoat on } 
cane and hat in hand ; looks around furtively ; enters , going a few 
steps forward ; imagines he hears a noise ; retreats to door in alarm.') 

Greene (Aside in woeful tone.) — I — aw — wonder if he 
(meaning Dinkelspeil) has seen her. (Starts again at imagined 
noise.) I'll — er — awsk him. (Clears ihroak to attract Dinkel- 
speiVs attentioft ; Dinkelspeil turns ; greatly alarmed.) 

Dinkelspeil (Aside.) — I vonder if he heard — could he have 
heard? (Aloud.) Veil! 

Greene (Aside.) — Aw — maybe he was there, too ! (Aloud.) 
Er — I say — (walking a fetv steps forward) did you know 
about it — 

Dinkelspeil (Suspiciously.) — Aboud id — aboud vat ? Vat 
did I know aboud? 

Greene. — Aunty — er — you know — Mr. Brakeley — The — 
aw — very devyl to pay — (Dinkelspeil starts. Greene question- 
ingly.) You did, then ? — Er — pretty-er rough on a fellah, 
you know ? 

Dinkelspeil (speaks excitedly. Aside.) — He knows! He 
knows ! My Gott ! I vas a ruined man. (Starts toward Greene 
in great haste ; Greene surprised ; backs to door, blocking it off ) 
Led me oud ! Led me oud ! I dond know anyding ! You 
fool mit me ! Led me oud ! 

Greene (Holding out hands to motion him back) — Hold on — 
hold on — I — er — say — 

Dinkelspeil (Drawing back ; then growing desperate.) — Led 
me oud ! I tell you. I wond be cheaded ! (Advances again.) 
I'm a desperade man ! Led me oud ! Led me oud ! (Dashes 
toward Greene.) 

(Greene has raised cane in backing; stands motio?iless 
in door. Dinkelspeil nears hi?n ; makes a threatening move- 
ment ; Greene, out of sheer alarm, brings cane down on his head, 
knocking him dozon, Dinkelspeil lays stunned on floor ; Greene 
stands over him in blank dismay.) 

Todd's Voice (heard near door.) — Yes — I will — I will — 
Ha! Ha ! I will. — (Steps out, discovers Dinkelspeil prostrate.) 
Hello! What's up? 

Greene (aside sinking into a chait overcome by nervousness.) — 
The desperate villian ? He would have killed me ! ( Todd 
walks over to Dinkelspeil stoops over him.) 

[ Enter Brakeley.] 

(Fro?n hall door, stops amazed.) 
Brakeley/— Ha ! What is this ? 
Todd (looking up.) — That's what I want to know. 
Brakeley (stoops over Dinkelspeil.) —Why it's Dinkelspeil ! 
Todd. — Do you know him ? 



UNCLEDICK. 37 

Brakeley (unheeding question.')— -This is strange. He has 
been struck. 

Todd. — Yes? But by whom? {alarmed.) Perhaps robbed. 
I gave him a check for a large sum of money just now — {Din- 
kelspeil groans, Todd raises him and continues) — in payment for 
some land. 

Brakeley. — He'll come around all right presently — for 
land — where ? 

Todd. — In Arkansas. {Dinkelspeil groans again.) 

Brakeley {shows him some attention before speaking.) Why ? 
I bought some land from him myself. 

Todd {surprised.) — You ? 

Brakeley. — Yes, swamp land — in Arkansas — Crittenden 
County. 

Todd {in greater surprise?) That is what he sold me. 

Brakeley. — What ? 

{Dinkelspcil groans again, recovers consciousness, discovers 
Brakeley.) 

Dinkelspeil — Good Mr. Brageley ! Dond haf me arrested — 
I did'nt mean id. — I vas a boor man — und it was feefty 
thousand dollar — dond haf me arrested. G-o-o-d Mr. Brageley? 

Brakeley {puzzled) — What the deuce — does — the fellow 
mean ? 

Todd. — The thief! He has sold us both the same land. 
That's why he wanted to catch the next train. 

Dinkelspeil {whining.) — Yes ! Good gendle-men — bud I 
did'nt mean id, dough, I vas a — boor man — mid schildren — 
dond — good gendle-men — haf me arrested — vot will my 
boor leedle schildren do mit no fader ? 

Todd. — Get up ! You scoundrel ! Where is that check ? 
Quick ! Give it to me ? 

Dinkelspeil {handing check?) — Dond — good gendle-men — 
you vont vill — you ? I was a boor man. 

Todd. — Get up! {Pointing to door.) Get out of here. 

Dinkelspiel. — Thank you ! Thank you ! Good gendle- 
men — Bud, {turns to Brakeley,) maybe Meester Brageley will 
give a boor Jew gommission — five ber cent, if I sell dot 1;*< d. 

Todd. — Get out, before I have you locked up — give you 
nothing — get out ! 

Dinkelspeil {whining?) — Nod even five ber — 

( Todd makes a threatening movement. Dinkelspeil dodges, goes 
out, stops at door.) 

Dinkelspeil {aside in agony of despair, throwing up hands.) 
My Gott ! My Gott ! I vas a ruined man — {exit.) 

Greene {walking forward with show of pride,) — /hit him. 

Todd {who had ovct looked him during excitement.) Humph — 
you spoke quick ! 

( Brakeley takes check from Todd's hand, looks at it,) 



38 UNCLE DICK. 

Greene. — Ya-a-s, to tell the truth — I struck him harder 
than I intended to. I was-er-little nervous. 

Todd (sarcastically .) — You look as bold as William the Con- 
queror. 

Brakeley (reading check.') — What's this — Southern Invest- 
ment Company — $50,000 — for two hundred and fifty acres. — 

Todd interrupting.) — That's it, my boy, the price of the 
land — 

Brakeley- (overcome.) — The land — /bought. 

Todd.— Certainly — certainly. — If you don't want the land — 
keep the check — and make us a deed for it. 

Brakeley (Amazed and exultant, strikes paper with his hand?) 
— Am I dreaming ? 

Todd (Surprised?) — Nothing — wrong — is there ? 

Brakeley (Unheeding question?) — Rich ! Rich ! ! Where is 
Una ! (Dashes toward right door ) 

Todd (Trying to detain him.) — Contain yourself — my boy — 
contain yourself! Plenty of time! What's the matter? 
(Brakeley jerks away from him. At that moment Una enters ; he 
catches he? in his arms.) 

Brakeley (Excitealy.) — Una ! I am worth fifty thousand dol- 
lars — rich ! rich ! Una ! And we'll be married 'despite Aunty. 

Una (Nestling to him.) — Wasn't we going to anyhow ? 

Brakeley. — Yes — but now — hang Aunty ! ( Una pretends 
to be offended.) No! I meant bless Aunty ! (Todd starts ; is 
struck by an idea.) 

Todd (Solemnly.) — Brakeley! you loaned me that suit. (Sar- 
castically.) Accommodating in you ! wasn't it ? (Moves toward 
Brakeley; Una and he laugh; Una shakes finger at him; he 
dodges behind her. ) 

[Enter Miss Marjorie.] 

(Discovers Brakeley, advances to him from other side.) 

Miss Marjorie (Sternly.) — And you played upon me — 
young man — an unpardonable — practical joke. (Greene starts 
angrily; Brakeley dodges Miss Marjorie and Todd; laughs.) 

Miss Marjorie. — Laugh ! sir ! laugh ! to your fill. It's 
becoming to make a lady the object of youi vulgar wit — and 
amusing — laugh again. 

Greene — Yaw-s — laugh — (Miss Marjorie stares severely at 
him ; Greene starts uneasily, but continues.) Yaw-s laugh again ! 
It's — er — becoming — you know. 

Miss Marjorie (To Greene.) — Get out! What do you know 
about it? (Greene subsides.) 

Brakeley (Growing serious.) — I called upon a mission of as 
great interest to you, Miss Marjorie, as to every one who cares 
tor Dick, (Miss Marjorie, 7 odd and Greene grow attentive) 
and ask a few moments truce : I have not yet explained 
the cause of his sudden illness — 



UNCLE DICK. 39 

Miss Marjorie {Interrupting.) — No ! and he refuses to speak 
of it — 

Brakeley {continuing without noticing interruption.') — And his 
restoration to reason. That is why I ventured to call. I 
would like to see him in this room — affecting the latter at least 
— very much. ( Una goes out of right door. ) 

Miss Marjorie {stiffly.) — We will waive — other things — for 
the present — that being the object of your visit — but there are 
some things, Mr. Brakeley — to be explained. 

Todd. — Yes sir — several things. 

Brakeley {aside.) — Kind Fate — a fostering eye is needed. 

( Una returns supporting Dick, who is haggard and worn by 
illness. She leads him to a chair — Brakeley steps forward to 
assist — he becomes seated.) 

Brakeley {solicitously.) — Dick ! Old fellow ! * * * * 
{Pauses, looks Dick full in the face, Dick returns stare.) Dick ! 
Do you want to see her ? 

Dick {bows head thinks a moment, then speaks eagerly.) — Yes ! 
Yes! * * * * (Clutches him by the arm.) No! * * * * 
Wait ? Yes ! Yes ! 1 do f {Exit Brakeley at hall door. 

Miss Marjorie [To Greene, austerely.) — Apolphus ! /will do 
the talking tor this family ! 

Greene. — But — er — it's a man's part — you know— to 
champion the — er — {hesitatingly) f-a-i-r — 

Miss Marjorie (Contemptuously.) — F-a-u-g.h ! {Greene sits 
down, discomfited. Miss Marjorie and Todd converse in dumb 
show. Greene goes to Una, offers her some attentio?i, she turns 
away. Dick bows head and stares at floor ahead of him ; Miss 
Marjorie stands with back to hall door.) 

Re-enter Brakeley with Alice. 

(Alice pauses at the door, looks about the room. Discovers Dick, 
starts to him with extended hands .) 

Alice. — Dick ! Dick ! {Dick stands up, embraces her, she 
buries her head on his shoulder, he kisses her forehead. Miss 
Marjorie turns discovers Alice, is surprised. Dick sinks wearily 
back into chair. Alice falling on her knees by him.) Shall I stay 
with you. Shall I stay with you, Dick ? (Dick hesitates for a 
moment, remembers the note, she rises and stands in front of him.) 

Brakeley (noticing his hesitancy.) — Dick ! The note you re- 
ceived was a forgery — * 3* * * written by — {Dick looks at 
Alice inquiringly, anticipating confirmation of what Brakeley 
says.) 

Alice. — Yes ! Forged by the man who decoyed me from 
you and caused my detention until — until — you left the hotel — 
Who made me believe that you were again mimed ! You be- 
lieved me recreant to — to — our inarria^e vow. 

Dick {Fervently, rising.) — Innocent ! Innocent ! I thank 
Thee, Oh, God ! 



40 UNCLE DICK. 

Alice. — Dick! Dick! How could you — think that — 
{breaks do7vn ; buries her face on his shoulder and sobs hysteri- 
cally.') 

Dick (caressing her.) — I was a fool ! I was a fool! I fought 
against that '"'belief" — Alice — until reason succumbed. You 
cannot know the anguish born of that surrender. But it is 
over — it is over. — The pain of those years is forgotten in the 
happiness of this moment. 

( Todd in dumb show appears to expostulate with Miss Marjoric 
who is striving to pass him. Jincks and Bella appear at hall door. 

[ Enter Baby Ethel.] 

Baby Ethel (calling.) — Uncle Dick ! Uncle Dick ! Dis- 
covers Dick, runs to him.) Oh ! You bad old fellow ! Where 
have you been. — (Becomes aware of state of affairs, stops in 
surprise?) 

Dick (to Alice?) — Our baby ! (Alice holds out arms to Baby 
Ethel, who runs to her ; Dick sits down ) 

Alice (Caressing Baby). — I am your Mamma! Darling! 
Don't you want me for your mamma ? 

Baby Ethel. — Yes I'd like to have you if you'll take Uncle 
Dick too. (Alice embraces her. Miss Marjorie succeeds in passing 
Todd and walks over to Alice.) 

Miss Marjorie (Sternly.) — So you are that woman. (Alice 
looks at her in amazement; Miss Marjorie points to the door.) 
Leave this house ! (Alice rises ; stands defiantly. ) 

Dick (Rises ; speaks sternly.) — Silence ! woman ! This 
is my wife I ! (Alice goes to him ; he puts his arm about her) 
and remains with me — here and everywhere ! (Miss Marjorie 
is dumbfounded ; tries to retort, but is overcome and walks over to 
piano , where she rests her face on her arm, and sobs half penitent- 
ly, half angrily.) 

Baby Ethel (Speaks as Miss Marjorie turns.) — She shant go ! 
She is my mamma ! (Todd stands perplexed where Miss Marjo- 
rie left him ; seems undecided whether or not to go to her.) 

Brakeley (Reassuring him,) — Go comfort her, old fellow; 
and — and — (significantly) do what Greene did for you. 

Greene (Starts angrily ; feels his arm. Aside?) — He'll — er — 
go — too far — presently — and I'll hit him. (Todd goes to where 
Miss Marjorie stands ; puts one arm partly about her.) 

Miss Marjorie (Wheeling suddenly) — Am — I — am — I — 
ever — as cross as that ? ( Todd nods reluctant acknowledgement ; 
Miss Marjorie throws herself into his arms ; cries on his shoulder.) 
Then I'll — never — never — be disagreeable to any — one — 
again. 

Todd (Confusedly?) — No — no — It's a bad habit ? 
Miss Marjorie. — And I'll begin my reformation right now. 
* * * * * Mr.— Brakeley— ( points to Una) take her— take 
her. (Una and Brakely embrace?) 



UNCLE DICK. 41 

Brakeley (Aside.) — Fifty thousand dollars will take any sort 
of metal through the crucible of Aunty's opinions. 

Greene {Sighing.') — I 1 11 become a hermit — a regular Friar 
Tuck— sort of — er — fellah ! 

Una (Laughing.) — Don't ! Coz ! that would be lonesome. 

Greene (Considering.) — Y-a-w-s ! It would. * * * * I'll 
go to (jaeatily) Europe then. 

Bella (tojincks.) — And now, Jincks, 

" Incomplete this play would be 
Unless you were reconciled again to me." 

Jincks. — Humph — I — see. I'll take your word and you 
together. 

Baby Ethel (to Brakeley, roguishly.) — I never did tell on 
Aunt Una, and you did'fit bring my bon-bons. (Una catches 
her up and kisses her.) 

[Curtain. — Finale.] 



42 UNCLE DICK. 



DESCRIPTION OF CHARACTERS. 



Uncle Dick. — About thirty-five years of age; a little slov- 
enly until after meeting Alice ; speaks in low monotone ; is 
apathetic, except when pleased, then exhibits a childish delight. 

Alice. — About twenty-eight years of age; modestly attired. 

Miss Marjorie. — A spinster of thirty-five or forty years of 
age ; wears long cork-screw curls on each side of face ; speaks 
bluntly and sharply. In ball-room scene appears in decolette 
costume. 

Todd. — A middle-aged bachelor; slightly bald; conspicu- 
ous mole on side of face ; is very neat and extremely polite — 
something of an old beau. 

Una. — Eighteen years of age ; attire conventional ; decolette 
costume, black or pink silk mask in ball-room scene; street 
dress, etc., in second act. 

Brakeley. — Young lawyer ; handsome and dressed in good 
taste. 

Greene. — A fop; glasses, curly blonde wig, parted in mid- 
dle; drawls — not over-done. Striped silk boating suit in ball- 
room scene ; sleeves off near shoulders ; knee-pants ; black 
silk stockings. Should be very thin and hollow-chested. 

Dinkelspeil. — A typical modern Jew ; middle-aged ; slight 
accent ; dresses rather flashily ; wears large diamonds. 

Baby Ethel — House dresses in first and fourth acts; street 
dress in second. 

Bella. — Young and rather romantic; maid's dress; white 
apron and cap. 

Jincks. — Butlers costume ; black wig ; short mutton-chop 
whiskers. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



017 401 452 8 



